how to not lose yourself in a relationship

How To Not Lose Yourself In A Relationship – Symptoms and Tips

Does the rest of your life suffer when you fall in love? If so, you may have a tendency to lose yourself in a relationship.

It’s natural to be swept away when you first start dating someone new. The trouble starts when time goes by and you fail to regain your sense of balance.

It can happen in healthy relationships, especially if you have unrealistic expectations about romance. It can also happen in less healthy relationships if your partner tries to pressure or manipulate you into becoming dependent on them.

Learn how to balance love with the rest of your life. Recognize the warning signs and try these tips for having a more fulfilling relationship with yourself and your partner.

Spot Warning Signs That You May Be Losing Yourself

You can tell that you’re sacrificing too much if you know where to look.

Stay on the alert for these common symptoms:

  1. Maintain other connections. Neglecting your family and friends is one of the most common and obvious signs. Make time for them in your schedule. When you’re with them, be sure to talk about more than your new love interest.
  2. Do your job. Are you too distracted to meet deadlines and participate in meetings? Keep your mind on work when you’re at the office. Save personal calls and texts for lunchtime if necessary.
  3. Watch your spending. Maybe you’re celebrating a little too much with shopping sprees, overeating, or other indulgences. The sooner you slow down, the easier it will be to fix the damage.
  4. Enjoy your hobbies. It’s great if your partner introduces you to new interests but beware of giving up the things you love just to please them. For example, you can take a class while they go to a hockey game.
  5. Voice your opinions. Speak up for yourself. Let your partner know you like jazz more than hip hop. It’s natural to disagree sometimes.

Be Proactive To Avoid Losing Yourself

You may have noticed that even when you start a new relationship, you soon fall into the same patterns you established with your last partner. If you want things to turn out differently, you’ll need to address your personal issues.

Keep these tips in mind:

  1. Boost your self-esteem. Make yourself a priority. Remember that you are worthy of love and respect just as you are. Treat yourself with compassion and repeat positive affirmations.
  2. Create boundaries. In a healthy relationship, partners encourage each other to set their own ground rules. Explain what you need and what you find unacceptable.
  3. Set goals. You’re less likely to lose yourself if you’re excited about other aspects of your life. Develop passion projects that motivate you to learn and grow. As a bonus, you’ll probably make yourself more interesting.
  4. Practice self-care. Treating yourself well makes you stronger and more resilient. It also reminds you of your worth. Eat a balanced diet and exercise regularly. Sleep well and deal with stress constructively.
  5. Spend time alone. Do you enjoy your own company? It’s important to have a healthy relationship with yourself in order to bond with others. Solitude gives you an opportunity to increase your self-awareness and center yourself.
  6. Take a break. If you’re dissatisfied with your love life, you might benefit from giving up dating for a while. Use the time to examine your dating criteria and form new habits.
  7. Consider counseling. Working with a therapist might help too. That’s especially true if you’re trying to recover from an abusive relationship or think that childhood issues are affecting your adult behavior.
how to be kind to yourself

How To Be Kind To Yourself – Even If Depressed or Made A Mistake

Some of the most generous, caring, and wonderful people in the world forget to look after themselves too. However, if you’re not giving yourself the kindness you deserve, you can’t expect to enjoy a healthy level of emotional and spiritual wellness.

Unfortunately, this can lead to bouts of depression and general feelings of mallaise.

So, how do you show yourself some much-deserved kindness?

Like most things, the transition often starts with something small. You can start by simply recognizing when you’re having a difficult day and giving yourself permission to experience your emotions freely.

Consider these simple steps you can take to be kinder to yourself:

Forgive yourself when you make a mistake

how to be kinder to yourself

This might seem simple, but it’s often the hardest thing for many people to do. When someone we love makes a mistake, we’re keen to jump in and forgive them. Yet somehow, we’re often too hard on ourselves and refuse ourselves that same forgiveness.

Although you might not be able to automatically forgive yourself as quickly as you’d like, it’s important to start practicing as quickly as possible.

The next time you find yourself being angry with something you’ve done, said, or thought, take a step back. Ask yourself how you would respond to a friend who had done the same thing. If you would forgive someone else, try to forgive yourself too.

Nourish your physical health

how to be kind to yourself when depressed

Nourishing your physical health requires a constant commitment. However, it doesn’t have to be as complicated as it seems.

For example, the next time you have lunch, ask yourself if you can choose the slightly healthier option. If you’re too tired to make something from scratch, ensure that you have some frozen meals ready to go, instead of picking up some fast-food.

Think about how you can add small bits of extra physical activity into your day too. For instance, could you walk to the store rather than driving there? Not only will you get some extra exercise, but you’ll also save money on fuel and reduce your impact on the earth too.

Get help when you need it

how to be kind to yourself when you make a mistake

It’s easy to assume that you’re on your own when it comes to dealing with difficult things. However, help is often around if you’re willing to ask for it.

If you’re struggling at work with a range of tasks that are too much for you to handle on your own, speak to your boss and ask for guidance.

If you’re worried about your anxiety levels or mental health, don’t hide in your room and try to “get over it” on your own. Speak to a therapist or talk to your doctor about your options. Getting the right help when you need it can save you weeks and months of pain.

Spend time with loved ones

how to be kind to yourself 2

Want to make being kind to yourself seem easy? Spend some time with the people you love. They’ll automatically treat you with the compassion you deserve and help you to see why it’s so valuable to look after yourself.

If you’re beating yourself up about something, your friends and relatives can also make it easier to look at the problem from a different perspective.

Human beings are naturally social creatures. Spending time with others is one of the best things you can do to make yourself feel good and nurture your emotional health. It’s also a great way to prevent yourself from isolating when you’re feeling down.

Add self-care to your calendar

how to be kinder to yourself 1

We often find it difficult to carve time out of our busy schedules for self-care on a regular basis. If you’re struggling to find time to look after yourself, it might be worth adding a dedicated “self-care” day to your routine. Mark it into your calendar just like a meeting at work.

During your self-care day, you can do anything you like to make yourself feel good. This might mean having a nice bubble bath and reading a book or watching your favorite movie. Self-care can even involve exploring things like deep breathing and relaxation.

Sleep well

how to be kind to yourself when depressed

Ensure that you get enough sleep each night. 7-9 hours is an opportune amount for most adults.

Sleep quality counts too. The better you sleep, the more you’ll be able to handle the everyday challenges you face, without feeling overwhelmed and exhausted.

Have a relaxing bedtime routine, a dark bedroom, and a comfortable bed. Avoid screens, alcohol, caffeine, or a heavy meal shortly before retiring.

Finally, when you want to give yourself an emotional, physical, and spiritual boost, grab your blankets. Some extra sleep can sometimes be a crucial part of resting and recharging in your day-to-day schedule.

Being kinder to yourself comes with a host of benefits! Do something nice for yourself each day, and soon you’ll be enjoying it as a regular part of your daily routines.

myths about emotions

4 Buried Myths About Emotions That Are Keeping You Stuck

We often assume our emotions are something that happen to us and define us. By doing this, our emotions have control over us while we tend to feel more and more out of control.

We may have a lot of emotional baggage, but we don’t have to carry it around forever. In this post I’m going to share myths about your emotions that are holding you back from emotional freedom. If you’re ready to move on and feel free, then this one is for you.

Myth #1 – My Emotions Will Hurt Me

Truth: Resisting or suppressing your emotions will hurt you

Our emotions are meant to be felt, every single one of them. Without our emotions we’d dead inside. Liken to apathetic Zombies walking around like scenes from the hit show Walking Dead.

Any time we resist ‘what is’ or ‘what wants to happen’ we’re met with signals and warning signs. This resistance you implement is what we typically call ‘stress’.

What are some warning signals and signs of stress? Increased blood pressure, chronic inflammation, joint degradation, skin disorders, trouble sleeping, anxiety, irritation, short fuse, and much more.

These signals are telling you that your resistance or suppression of emotions are taking your body and mind out of balance, aka homeostasis.

The solution? Practice allowing your emotions to just be. Practice feeling them on a daily basis. Start with less meaningful emotions to you.

As you start to feel safer experiencing your emotions, start practicing with some of your stronger emotions.

Over time, you’ll start to realize the truth that your emotions can’t hurt you. In fact, on the other side of feeling an comfortable emotion is relief.

This can be confirmed by noticing the immediate release of certain stress signals you may have been experiencing such as a pressure in your head or chest for example.

Myth #2 – My Emotions are To Be Controlled

Truth: Your emotions are to be observed

There is some overlap here with myth #1.

Any time we attempt to resist or suppress our emotions we’re attempting to control them.

This control, however, is nothing but an illusion. If we suppress or bury an emotion in an attempt to not feel it, it then buries itself into the depths of our subconscious.

The unattended emotions seep out into our daily lives as unwelcomed actions, mental illness, physical illness, and a sense of being out of control or not understanding why you’re doing what you’re doing.

Myth #3 – Expressing My Emotions Means Acting On Them

Truth: Expressing your emotions means feeling/experiencing them

In my experience, this seems to be a common limiting belief people hold.

The belief that ‘in order to express my emotions I must act of them’.

For example, “I must tell them how I feel when I’m resentful”, “I must throw things or scream when I’m angry”, “I must cry when I’m sad” etc.

Take a moment now to observe whether this limiting belief has held any truth for you up until now.

Typically, when thinking that expressing our emotions means acting on them, we try not to feel certain emotions out of fear for how we may act if we do.

Acting or speaking in the midst of heightened emotions such as anger or resentment typically don’t end well. We’re not thinking with clarity and wisdom.

If this has been you, here’s the great news, you’re not obligated to act of any of your emotions once you allow them to be felt.

Think of ‘expressing’ being synonymous with ‘feeling’. This will help with forming a new, more liberating belief.

To practice this, I suggest you start by sitting alone with your emotions. Allow them to be felt without obligation to act upon them. Allow them to come, be felt, and go on their own time.

Myth #4 – My Emotions Tell Me What’s True

Truth: Your emotions tell you what you’re thinking and believing

One of my favourite quotes comes from George Pransky, a pioneer in teaching the Three Principles of MInd, Consciousness and Thought:

Feelings are a barometer of our thoughts at any given time

George Pransky, The Relationship Handbook

What does he mean? The temperature of our feelings (how intense they are) are a direct reflection of our thoughts in the moment.

In summary; if we think something sad, we feel sad. If we think something happy, we feel happy.

Truth, or facts, don’t elicit an emotional response in and of themselves. Everything in this world inherently means nothing until we make it mean something.

What we think or believe about what may or may not be true is what stirs our emotions, not a truth itself.

Therefore, our emotions hold no absolute truth within them. They merely add colour to our thinking and feeling to our life.

They’re not indicators of what’s true, they’re indicators of what we’re thinking.

how to reinvent yourself

10 Quick Tips On How To reinvent yourself – Starting Today

Most of us, at some point in our lives, are presented with the opportunity to reinvent ourselves. If you change your job, move to a different town or even country, you can tidy up all the loose ends in your recent past and step out into a brand-new persona.

You can change the way you dress, live, and how you show up in life. This is a particularly refreshing time for those people who welcome change, because it gives them a reason and a purpose to change everything at the same time.

If you relish the opportunity to change, consider these 10 Tips for reinventing yourself.

10 Quick Tips On How To reinvent yourself

1. Avoid giving in to what is expected, reasonable, sensible, or appropriate

The point here is to enjoy yourself. For example:

  • If you’ve been ‘preppy clothing type’ all your life and you want to be the casual type, just do it.
  • If you’ve been ‘the modest type’, and you secretly lusted after a penthouse suite with views of the ocean, find one.
  • And if you’ve always been the ‘BMW sedan type’ but love the idea of driving a 55 Chevy pick-up, this is your time to shine. People will notice that you live life according to your own rules, and you can enjoy every minute of it!

2. If you’re in a new job or locale, this is a time to make new friends

Choose carefully and wisely. You don’t need to be everybody’s friend.

  • Keep your circle small. Sound people out and use your new friends to sound out new places and potential new hobbies too. Others will notice that you’re friendly but have a private side too.

3. Practice being a great listener

You’ll be amazed at what you can learn about people, places, and everything else if you just listen. Ask lots of questions. You’re new here and others will expect you to ask questions. Ask some good ones…and listen.

  • A surprising perk of this technique is that others will refer to you as a great conversationalist!

4. Take time to explore the area …. alone

You’ll notice and appreciate more if you’re alone. Take pictures and make notes. It will make for great conversations later!

5. Be a good neighbour

Take time to help others. Practice random acts of kindness at every opportunity.

  • Others will appreciate you and speak well of you, especially if you help with no thought of a reward. Do it because you can and for no other reason.

6. Stand up and speak out for things you have a passion for

Let others know that you are both willing and able to make your point, debate an issue, or speak up for those who have no voice. People will notice that you are selfless and put others before yourself.

7. Start early

Show that you have a zest for life and can’t wait to get at it each day. Walk quickly and with purpose. Always be the first to volunteer for everything.

  • You will win some and you will lose some, but overall, you will win because everyone will know you as the one who is up for everything.

8. Be generous with your praise for everybody who has earned it

Giving credit to others will show how much you appreciate them, and it will come back to you tenfold.

9. Keep yourself fit and healthy

Set a good example. You don’t have to go crazy – just eat healthy, drink plenty of water, and do some form of exercise that raises your heart rate for 30 minutes each day.

  • The pay-off is phenomenal. Others will notice you and be inspired, which, in turn, will inspire you to continue.

10. Thank others – for everything, all the time

Show your gratitude to as many people as you can, as often as you can. Most people are starved of thanks for a job well done, for sharing their wisdom, or for acknowledging their kindness.

  • People will appreciate you forever if you show them gratitude for good words and deeds

Wrapping Up

Most of the time, our mind runs on autopilot because how we show up in life is directed by our subconscious mind. When you turn the job over to your conscious mind and really put some thought into it, amazing things can happen.

People’s perception of you can change in a heartbeat if you apply any one of these 10 Tips . If you apply yourself to all 10, you will, indeed, be a completely different person – one that you consciously designed. Try it – you’ll like it!

how to become more self aware

3 Enlightening Tips On How To Become More Self-Aware

How self-aware do you consider yourself to be?

Not sure?

Here are some self-awareness examples:

  • Are you aware of your strengths and weaknesses?
  • Do you know what kind of things trigger your emotional and physical responses in daily life?
  • Are you conscious of the opportunities and challenges that present themselves to you on a daily basis, and what your options are to overcome them?

Self-awareness is an often-underestimated skill that anyone can learn to improve with the right activities.

The more you understand yourself, the more likely it is that you’ll be able to reach your long-term goals, find happiness, and even strengthen your overall confidence and self-esteem.

Today, we’re going to be looking at some of the ways you can quickly and effectively become more self-aware and overcome moments of confusion.

Defining Self-Awareness

Self-awareness is the art of paying attention to the way you think, behave, and feel. It means looking carefully at patterns in the way you perceive the world, yourself, and the people around you.

Self-awareness also includes understanding your moods and emotions and how they influence the things you do.

Someone who is self-aware can pay attention to their actions in any situation and determine whether they’re really taking the best steps to preserve their interests, or whether they could be walking in the wrong direction.

If you have negative default responses to things, self-awareness can help you to overcome them. For instance, those with alcohol issues or cigarette addictions often benefit from becoming more self-aware.

So, how do you become more self-aware? Try these techniques.

why self-awareness is important

Self-awareness provides individuals with a better understanding of their own thoughts and feelings and empowers them to make more informed choices. Self-awareness can be disruptive to people’s lives when they are not aware of their behavior and the consequences of their actions. It is important to understand the impact of your behavior on others to help make the most of your time and to avoid any toxic effects on yourself or others.

Some Benefits of Self-Awareness

  • When you are self-aware, you are more likely to be able to save yourself from making mistakes.
  • When you are self-aware, you’re more in-tune with your emotions and how they are affecting your life.
  • When you are self-aware, you can know what your strengths and weaknesses are.
  • When you are self-aware, you can know how much you are contributing to society.
  • When you are self-aware, you can learn how to take care of yourself.

How To Become More Self-Aware

1. Notice What Bothers You About Others

This might seem counterproductive, as paying attention to others pulls the focus away from you. However, sometimes, when we’re struggling with our own self-awareness, we find it easier to project the things we don’t like in ourselves onto other people.

For instance, you might find that you absolutely hate it when others lie to you. However, if you look a little closer at your own actions, you might discover that you have a tendency to bend the truth too – even if only in certain aspects of your life.

Make a list of the properties you dislike about other people and try to focus on pinpointing the moments when you show those characteristics yourself.

At the same time, it may also be helpful to make a list of the things you like to see in others, so you can actively try to show more of those properties yourself.

2. Pay Attention to Your Thought Processes

Most of us have ingrained responses to things that we’ve developed over time. For instance, people who smoke tend to reach for a cigarette automatically whenever they feel stressed or overwhelmed. Sometimes, these processes are so automatic that we don’t even realize what’s happening until we’ve already done something.

If you want to be more self-aware, take a moment to pause the next time you have an automatic response to something. Be aware of how you’ve responded at that moment and try rewinding through your thought processes. What led you from the point of feeling stressed to opening your first bottle of beer, for instance?

Sometimes, it won’t be a specific thought or series of thoughts that led to the action, but a simple feeling, or gut desire for something. The more you make yourself aware of those automated reactions, the more you can begin to question them when you notice them starting.

You can also be more aware of the triggers that cause those responses to happen.

3. Ask for Feedback

Finally, asking for feedback can help you to become more aware of the things that others see in you.

Sometimes, we’re so used to the image that we create of ourselves in our own mind, that we actually replace reality with our own perception. We all have blind spots that make it more difficult to solve the real problems we have in our lives.

For instance, you might think that your biggest issue is that you can’t control your emotions when something happens in your relationship. However, your girlfriend might think that the problem is that you don’t talk enough about how you feel.

Asking for insights from others in your life allows you to view your actions and feelings from a different perspective.

Just ensure that you’re comfortable with the person you ask for feedback from. If you don’t like the person very much, or you don’t trust their opinion, then this is going to skew your perception of yourself even further.

Once you get the feedback, remember to take it well. Avoid looking at negative comments as a direct attack on you. Instead, see them as a chance to develop and grow.

You can strengthen your self-awareness by using these easy strategies. Once you do, you’ll find that, not only do you know yourself better, but your life also becomes more enjoyable.

how to get wisdom

How To Get Wisdom — Where Does Wisdom Come From?

No matter which path you take, the wisom you seek will always be found within the depths of your own consciousness.

Sydney Banks, The Missing Link

How to get wisdom? I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but wisdom is not something you get. You’ll understand what I mean by the end.

First, I think it’s important we both get on the same page about what wisdom is, and what wisdom isn’t.

My perspectives on wisdom from here on out are from my studies of The Three Principles, Buddhism, Toltec, Shamanism, and my own inner contemplation.

Wisdom as defined by Merriam-Webster Dictionary:

  1. knowledge that is gained by having many experiences in life
  2. the natural ability to understand things that most other people cannot understand
  3. knowledge of what is proper or reasonable

I’d like to start off by giving my opinion on these three definitions of wisdom.

1.: Knowledge that is gained by having many experiences in life

Knowledge and wisdom are not the same. Therefore, knowledge gained through experiences remains as knowledge. This knowledge doesn’t magically convert to wisdom simply because of how it was attained.

The intelligence that is gained is what we know as knowledge. Intelligence that is innate is lesser-known to most and is what we call wisdom.

2.: The natural ability to understand things that most other people cannot understand

This statement is actually a direct contradiction to the 1st definition of wisdom. It points towards wisdom being an innate ability to understand that doesn’t require past experiences.

Is this wisdom? Possibly. The more I contemplate it the more I tend to see the wisdom in this. This is why children who understand certain things that the average adult does not are said to be ‘wise beyond their years’.

3.: Knowledge of what is proper or reasonable

One can argue that what is proper or reasonable is subjective. One can also argue that love will always point us toward human decency of what is proper or reasonable.

I’m on the side of love. I’ve noticed that when people are in a loving state they tend to breed wise thoughts and wise action. Yet, when they’re in a state of fear (opposite of love), people tend to do unthinkable things.

How To Get Wisdom? My Take

Wisdom isn’t something you get.

It was there before you were born and will be there after you die.

It’s all around us and within us, all the time. It cannot be gained nor lost, it simply is. We have access to it at all times.

Wisdom is the innate intelligence of life that resides within the silent depths of the mind. Not your personal mind, but the Universal mind.

In my studies of The Three Principles, one of the foundations of my work, Universal Mind is the label given to the intelligence behind all life. If you’re religious you may liken this to GOD.

Within the vastness of every seed lay the wisdom of potential. Thus, an Acorn becomes an Oak Tree, this is the Universal Mind at work.

The only thing blocking our access to wisdom at any given time is the noise of our personal minds.

Noise is the barrier to wisdom and silence is the antidote.

Whenever you’re seeking to hear the wisdom within, know that it’s there. It’s always there. Get quiet, turn down that volume of your personal mind, this is not wisdom.

Wisdom is not loud like the chaos we’re used to listening to in our heads. It’s very subtle, a whisper if you will. If you don’t give it space it won’t be heard.

I encourage you to get quiet…

And listen for the whispers of wisdom to come through.

how to live a simpler life

14 Useable Tips On How To Live A Simpler, Happier Life

Have you experienced times when you felt overwhelmed, stressed out, and caught in an overly complicated life? Rest assured that others have also had those feelings. Because of this, more and more people are searching for how to live a simpler life.

Living simply means different things to different people. How your neighbor across the street decides to simplify his or her life may be far different than how you would choose to make such a change. And it doesn’t necessarily mean giving up your job or your car or choosing to live in an unheated shack in the woods.

Although you may decide you want to do some of these things, none of them are necessary for you to live a simpler life.

This process is a journey, not something you can do all at once. You can simplify your life with one small change at a time. These suggestions may lead you down the path to living more simply.

14 Actionable Tips On How To Live A Simpler, Happier Life

1. Examine the situations and people that bring stress to your life. Make a list of these. Also, include anything that leaves you feeling overwhelmed or trapped.

2. Consider how you might eliminate involvement in these circumstances or with these people.

3. Can you follow through with disengagement from these stressful situations and individuals? If possible, select the one that you can most easily disconnect from and begin taking steps to do so.

4. Focus on reducing one stressor at a time. It isn’t realistic to think you can do away with all of them at once.
  

5. Next, think about how you spend your money. Do you make unnecessary purchases? Review your bank account debits to see where the bulk of your funds are going.

6. Focus on streamlining your expenses to decrease unwanted stressors. One fairly easy way to live a simpler life is to reduce spending on unnecessary expenditures.

7. Pare down the amount of “stuff” you’ve accumulated. Many people collect a huge amount of belongings.

8. Consider this:  The more stuff you have, the more time you must spend cleaning and taking care of your belongings. Not to mention the space in your home it takes to store it all, or concerns you have that someone might break or even take your stuff!

9. Let go of unused belongings. If you haven’t looked in those boxes in the garage for 5 or 10 years, you can probably disconnect from the items in them without much distress.

10. Begin spending more time outdoors. Returning to nature offers time and opportunity for reflection on your life and feelings.

11. Explore what makes you happiest. What brings you real joy? Maybe spending time with your children or your nieces and nephews is special for you. Perhaps you want to revive a favorite hobby you love.

12. Regard your time as if it was pure gold. What do you do with most of your time? With whom do you spend the bulk of your life? Are you okay with that?

13. Make a decision to spend your precious time doing enjoyable activities. If you do them with others, ensure they’re people you care about and really want to be around.

14. Strengthen your relationships with those you love. Protect your cherished connections to others.


15. Contemplate your eating habits. The food you eat and your nutritional habits are central to your existence.

16. Examine your level of physical activity. A closely connected habit to food intake is exercise. If you find yourself feeling disconnected from your body and its importance in your life, try to do some physical activity each day. Talk to your doctor before starting an exercise program to ensure it’s right for you. Even just walking for twenty minutes a day can bring you great peace of mind.

The path to living a simpler life is connected to returning to your true self. To find inspiration in beginning your own journey, review the above suggestions. Only you can decide your path toward living a simpler life, and you can begin today!

why do i get angry when i drink

why do We get angry when We drink? Hint: It’s Not The Booze

I ‘ve been right where you are, asking the very same question…WHY do I get angry when I drink?

The night that got me to look in the mirror and say enough is enough!

It was my sister’s Jack and Jill.

It was a weird, roller coaster of a night. Sparing the finer details, something happened midway through the night that would have angered any husband or boyfriend.

It’s now the end of the night, we’re all intoxicated of course. The last bit of the party remaining is helping clean up, maybe 20 of us.

The cleanup is coming to an end so we all start congregating in the kitchen area.

What happens next is inevitable, the incident that happened earlier in the night gets brought up. I completely lose all control, cursing and yelling at my sister and my dad in front of 20 other bystanders.

The screaming match ends with me stomping out of the kitchen with raging violence on my mind. Wondering what I can hit that isn’t my sister or dad.

There is an oversized industrial garbage bag completely stuffed just outside the kitchen door. That looks juicy. So I take a run at it as if I’m trying to kick a 50-yard field goal and the whole thing explodes with garbage flying everywhere.

I don’t remember precisely, but there’s a good chance I kicked it a couple more times for good measure to ensure it was empty before stomping out of the building.

When I woke up the next day, I was utterly embarrassed over my actions. I threw a tantrum in front of 20+ family members, future family members, and close friends.

It’s Not The Drinking, It’s You

I tried changing what I drank. People tried to make correlations with my anger and certain types of liquor. It’s the Rum. It’s the Jaggermeister. It’s the…

After this night, I had an insight and I just knew that none of this was true. It wasn’t the drinking causing my anger, it was me.

Sure, there is some evidence to suggest that alcohol provokes anger. But, this doesn’t happen if there isn’t underlying anger ready to be provoked.

Think of the relationship between alcohol and anger as ‘poking the bear’.

Alcohol has the ability to magnify our current state of being or bring out our suppressed emotions.

The happy person gets smilier than usual.

The sad person cries.

Below we’ll get into what you may be suppressing that’s causing your anger as well as other possibilities.

Why You Get Angry When You Drink

When drinking…

The person suppressing resentment gets angry.

The person protecting their ego gets angry.

Why is this?

Suppressed Resentment

This is the one I resonate with the most.

Something magical happened after I forgave my dad, I no longer became an angry drunk. Although I knew my anger when drinking was an inside job, I never would have thought forgiveness was the solution.

How can you know if holding on to resentment may be a potential fire starter for you?

You’ll likely notice, whether you’re drinking or not, you have a tendency to get angry easier than you’d like. Especially with certain people. These are likely the people you’re holding resentment for.

This resentment has gone unattended to and therefore gets triggered and magnified when you’re drinking.

Letting go of resentment isn’t easy, I know from personal experience. But the reward of doing so is unimaginably freeing.

Want to learn more about forgiveness? Check out these 2 posts below

Insights on Forgiveness

Biggest Misconception About Forgiveness

Protecting Your Ego

I can resonate with this one as well, though not nearly as much as resentment.

What is our ego? It’s our self-concept, who we think we are, how we see ourselves in the mirror.

When we have an over-inflated ego, we feel that it must be protected. We propr ourselves up as someone we are not, trying to make ourselves look important, worthy, successful etc. when inside we feel unimportant, unworthy, and unsuccessful.

It takes a lot to protect this false identity we portray to the world, which often includes offense and defense.

When we drink, this over-inflated ego tends to get pumped with more air.

When someone doesn’t agree with us, we feel the need to defend ourselves.

When someone judges us we take it personally and overreact.

When we feel threatened by a potential alpha male or female we go on offense to try and bring them down a peg.

These are just a few of many examples that could be used.

If this sounds like you, you may be wondering what to do next? Welp, seeing through the illusion of our ego is a journey, typically a spiritual one.

To wake up one day and truly see that you aren’t who you think you are.

The best book I’ve read so far about the ego is The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. It’s an eye-opener.

The post below can be a simple place to start:

The Simple Equation That Reveals Who You Really Are

Remember, Anger Is An Inside Job

No matter the reason for your anger when drinking, always remember that it’s an inside job. Your anger is not caused by the drinking, it’s caused by you.

Your anger comes from the inside out. Your drinking merely assists in drawing it out.

So the next time you find yourself asking ‘Why do I get angry when I drink?’, start looking within. All your answers can be found there.

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How To Take Back Control of Your Life

Not feeling in control of your life is one of the most disheartening and self-defeating predicaments you can be in.

You feel a victim to life and the circumstances within it.

You’re always asking yourself “what’s the point?” (since I’m not in control anyway)

I’d be lying if I said there’s a 5-step process to take back control of your life, or that this article will miraculously give you a sense of control by the end.

There are. however, a few things for you to understand that may help you wake up, shift a perspective, or trigger an insight.

I think the most important thing to understand first is that control is an illusion, so that’s where I’ll begin.

Understand That Control is an Illusion

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This may be uncharted and potentially uncomfortable territory for you, but I encourage you to soak it in with an open mind. To question your current beliefs surrounding control.

I’m close with someone who believes in God and Jesus. Although I’m not religious myself, I can relate through spirituality. I simply use different labels that point to the same source.

This person is a strong Type A personality. Crosses all their T’s and dots all their I’s. Their sense of control gets thrown for a loop if plans don’t go the way they envisioned or predicted.

The other day they opened up to me about a challenge they’re having with dipping their toes into entrepreneurship. A challenge most (if not all) entrepreneurs have at some point in time—facing the many unpredictabilities. Ultimately, facing the unknown.

They feel a lack of control with not being able to predict the outcome, and these feelings are valid and real. Their ego built a wall of resistance once it realized the illusion of control and wants to retreat. This is very common when we are faced with the unknown.

As I told them, the hard truth is this “you’re religious, right? So you know that at any moment if God wants to take you from this earth he will, right? None of us know when that will be, it could be 30 sec from now, tomorrow, or 30 years from now. We simply don’t know, it’s not in our control. We live with this whether we choose to accept it or not. We give ourselves a sense of control by leading an immaculate lifestyle, which may or may not affect when it’s our time. Our actions can improve our chances but we don’t control them.”

OK, you might be thinking “I may die tomorrow without my consent, how does this help me feel more in control?”

By seeing that you’re not in control, that you’ve been duped by your ego to thinking it’s in control.

Control is an illusion our ego creates to feel more secure. It’s purely made of thought, there’s no ultimate truth to it.

There’s no steering wheel of life to grasp onto so we can feel in control

And as I told this person above, there’s an old religious saying “Let go and let God.”

Sometimes all the signs are given for us to follow a certain path. We have an inner knowing that this is our path. But there’s one big problem, we don’t know where it’ll lead us. It’s a path that requires faith and trust in the source that showed us the path.

Befriend The Unknown

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For many of us, assembling a sense of control is our way of resisting the discomfort of the unknown. Leading us to believe that thinking we’re in control will offset an unknown future.

There’s one problem, humans are absolutely terrible at predicting the future.

You can find evidence of this when you watch your thoughts every day and observe how many times you attempt to rehearse or predict moments in the future.

Then, after the moments arrive look back and see what your batting average is.

The truth is, all we ever know is now. Not one second from now, not even a millisecond from now, just now.

We can’t even predict what thought will pop into our head a second from now let alone what may happen to us, for us, or around us.

Trying to control the uncontrollable will only lead to suffering and a feeling of being out of control.

I propose a shift in perspective, instead of trying to control your life, what if you stopped trying and started trusting?

Stop Trying and Learn To Start Trusting

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Trust what or who you may ask?

Well, yourself firstly.

Do you trust yourself with your life?

If not, this is a foundational place for you to begin your journey. This process is beyond the scope of this post, but I will say this, you must get to know your higher self. The unchanging you that is beyond the ego, the intuitive you that guides with an inner knowing.

And, if you’re religious, you may also trust God or Jesus to light your way.

Trust what? Life.

Life may seem an untrustworthy source for you if you have had a rough history. It’s perfectly valid for you to feel this way.

It may seem like life hasn’t had your back, threw you under the bus, chewed you up, and spit you out.

Yet, you’re still here, searching for answers. If you weren’t strong enough you wouldn’t have made it this far, but you did.

Life doesn’t challenge us with anything we can’t handle. We’re given a choice of how to handle or not handle.

We’re given a gift called thought that allows us to view our past and think about what it means for our future.

How we think today about what happened yesterday will create our tomorrow

Trust and control cannot coexist in the same space

Control is a manifestation of the ego while trust is innate to your higher self.

Trust is unwavering and unchanging. It just is.

Control has a definition that changes according to our thoughts and feelings at any given moment.

I encourage you to focus your energy on building trust instead of grasping for control.

Ditch Control, Invite Love

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Control is an egocentric concept. Providing it with a sense of being able to predict the future by attempting to control the present moment.

We get so caught up in trying to control the present moment to

Let go of trying to control the way and let love light the way

What Is It That You Really Want?

More to come!

How To Stop Feeling Worthless

How To Stop Feeling Worthless (There’s No step-by-step)

I see you…

I feel you…

You’re not alone in feeling worthless…

Before you read any further I want you to know that you are worthy.

How do I know? You were born.

Believe it or not, we’re all born as equals.

Your sense of worth is not a genetic predisposition—yet it is inherited. Sounds paradoxical right?

If your sense of worth wasn’t inherited through your genes, how did you develop your sense of worth?

You learned it.

How We Inherit Our Sense of Worth

Your sense of worth has been inherited through past conditioning. More specifically, through your attachment to particular thoughts and emotions about certain experiences, thus creating a core limiting belief that appears to be true and screams “I’m not worthy!”.

You’re not alone in this thinking, this is one of the most common limiting core beliefs that people hold.

Our sense of worth develops as we create a sense of self, aka our ego. You can think our your sense of self as who you think you are.

Our ego is craving an identity by the time we enter our first school years. This is how far back you need to reflect on how your lack of self-worth developed.

What can influence our Lack of worth?

  • emotionally absent parents
  • verbal, emotional, physical and sexual abuse
  • being bullied
  • parents divorce
  • abandonment
  • lack of love and nurturing
  • past criticism
  • any sort of childhood trauma

The impact of holding this belief is enormous as you well know. It affects every area of your life; relationships, career, self-esteem, communication, and your ability to love and be loved.

How To Stop Feeling Worthless

There’s no step-by-step process to end this feeling, I’m sorry to say.

For myself, it was a spiritual journey of awakening that had me see through this illusion. Once I realized that my ego is only who I ‘think’ I am, I was able to break free of the sense of unworthiness that followed me everywhere.

For you, it may be a different journey. Here are some places to start:

Validate What Your Feeling

It’s OK to feel what you’re feeling. It’s perfectly normal to be having the experience you are. This is called emotional validation.

It’s so important to allow our emotional experiences to happen as they are without judgment. Validating your feelings helps build a sense of worth.

If you deny your feelings or criticize them this will re-enforce the belief that you’re not worthy. That you’re not worth the love you can offer yourself by accepting your experience.

Denying yourself will only re-affirm that you’re not worthy.

It’s Your Thinking

First, I want you to know I’m not minimizing your experience by asking you to explore this. Your experience is very real and valid.

What I’d like you to explore is the idea that if you couldn’t think, you also couldn’t feel worthless. It’s your thinking that makes it so.

And your thoughts are only true if you believe them.

I encourage you to question your thoughts, meet them with a curious mind.

Is it true?

How can you absolutely know it’s true?

Are there any other possibilities to what could be true?

What evidence supports this belief?

What evidence doesn’t support it?

You may just find that it’s not as true as you thought.

Create Distance

What do I mean by this?

Research shows us that the brain doesn’t know the difference between what’s real and what’s imagined.

When we get too close to our thoughts they appear to be so real that they’re actually happening.

When you get so close to the thought of ‘I’m not worthy’ it becomes so real that it’s happening right now. The closer you get, the stronger the emotional reaction you’ll have.

I encourage you to sit in silence and take a few very slow deep breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth. Focus on being present and tune into how your breathing feels.

This will ground you in peace and a sense of OKness.

Now observe your thoughts from this higher level of awareness, watch them at a distance.

Be curious as to how they create your experience and your emotions.

See how they’re not you, see how they’re not necessarily true.