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am i a good listener

4 Ways To Know If You’re A Good Listener

What are you listening to? What are you listening for? What are you not listening for? Have you created a story in your head? Are you listening for what you want to hear? Are you listening for what you don’t want to hear? What are you thinking about? You may think you’re truly listening, but are you REALLY?

Fun Fact: We can listen at 400 words per minute yet only speak at 125-175 words per minute

Keep this in mind as you read through as it has great significance for the rest of the article.

1. Are you allowing time for them to pause and reflect before jumping in?

Guilty as charged. I used to be terrible at this, waiting for that momentary pause so I can jump in to express my opinion.

After learning the significance of the pause, and consciously using it as a space for reflection instead of an opportunity to jump in, I noticed the other person would generally relax into that space and speak on thoughts that I would have robbed them from by jumping in.

From observing numerous conversations with others and of others, I would venture to say that this is the most common misunderstanding I witness in communication.

The pause is not a time to jump in, it is a space for conscious reflection and an opportunity for new thought to come through into expression.

2. Are you thinking about what you’re going to say next while the other person is still talking?

The other person is talking away and you are already trying to construct in your head what you would like to say next. While you’re doing this, you are not receiving ALL of the information. The entire time you’re creating your next sentence in your head you are not receiving the other person fully.

Because of the gap between the rate at which we can listen and speak, it is inevitable that your mind will wander at times while listening to another. The difference maker is, how quickly you can catch your mind wandering and bring it back to the present moment.

3. Do you finish peoples’ sentences?

I can’t think of many things that are more annoying than this, can you? I don’t know one single person who enjoys having other people finish their sentences. For whatever reason, many people seem to like to try and prove their artificial competency in mind-reading or superiority.

I know for me when I used to finish people’s sentences I felt more superior in my competence which is what attracted me to do it. I now know that this kills communication and my so-called superiority along with it.

When people are speaking, let them speak! If they appear to be struggling to find a word or put together their next thought, give them space. The worst thing you can do in that situation is to try and attempt to finish what you didn’t give them the chance to.

4. Do you listen beyond the words they speak, to what is unsaid?

This was a tough one for me to grasp at first as I hardly understood what it even meant. I see the same difficulty in others when they hear of it.

Yes, listening for the tone of voice, and watching for body language, are of high importance but I will be speaking on what is beyond even that.

What is beyond the words? Meaning. Meaning goes beyond the obvious, beyond understanding.

Understanding what someone is saying is incomplete if you don’t hear the meaning behind what they are saying.

For example, you can understand when someone tells you they are thinking about filing for a divorce because their spouse cheated on them. You understand their situation, it makes sense, whether you agree with them or not. Now, what is the meaning of what they just told you?

One simple example of a meaning to explore would be: It is obvious they feel betrayed by the evidence of the thought regarding filing for a divorce. However, they have NOT filed for a divorce, it is still only a thought, why? What is the meaning behind this?

This is worth further exploration, and they will be grateful you heard beyond the words they spoke. You can now explore what was unsaid.

Nearly all conversations are not quite this simple as they are many stories and links to be explored and connected. Just remember:

A good listener will explore beyond the obvious, and beyond understanding, to find meaning.

It is also common for people to not say what they mean out of fear, or incomplete thought processing. Someone who listens beyond words will recognize this and ask them to clarify what they meanwhile giving them space.

Can you see now how meaning goes much deeper than understanding?

Are you as good of a listener as you thought you were?

This was a difficult understanding for me to convey so I hope it did the trick.

Learn from all of your experiences, opportunities are everywhere.

Take care,

Rob Kish

ego problem

23 Signs You May Have An Ego Problem

Wondering if you or someone else have an ego problem? Or, if you’re whipped by your ego or your ego may be just a little bit too BIG?

Here are 23 signs that it just might be:

  1. When an unwanted outcome or debate occurs and others point out your responsibility, you don’t want to hear it, you deflect or shush them.
  2. Being right is more important than understanding.
  3. Money is more important than love.
  4. Someone disagreeing with you is a threat to your intelligence.
  5. Avoiding failure is more important than learning from your mistakes.
  6. Your bank account controls how important and worthy you and everyone else are.
  7. When driving, you block someone from entering your lane even though they have politely been signalling for the past 10 seconds to come over.
  8. You are a perfectionist.
  9. You are more concerned with being who others think you are or should be than who you really are.
  10. You feel you have something to prove.
  11. You feel the need to one-up everyone else.
  12. It’s your way or the highway.
  13. You claim ownership over something to justify your reasoning as to why someone should abide by your rules.
  14. You have to have the newest smartphone even though there’s nothing wrong with the one you have.
  15. You choose a job because of status instead of passion.
  16. You think everyone and their mothers owe you something.
  17. You think the world owes you something.
  18. Your favours are conditional.
  19. You drive a car that is worth more than your annual salary.
  20. You have a tendency to make it about you.
  21. You make decisions based on serving others perception of you rather than your own best interests.
  22. You feel the need to judge as right or wrong instead of seeing it as it is.
  23. If you feel someone is better than you, your ego has you whipped.
  24. If you feel you’re better than someone else, your ego has you whipped.

Keep the list going and add to it in the comments below!

Let’s have some fun with our big egos!

Learn from all of your experiences, opportunities are everywhere.

Take care,

Rob Kish

what causes stress

The One And Only Cause of Stress – Can You Guess What It Is?

WebMD and many other “authorities” are pointing many people searching for the cause of their stress in the completely wrong direction. It’s time to get this one right.

Unfortunately, WebMD has two of the most popular articles on the causes of emotional and psychological stress and they are offering some of the worst information, how ironic right?

Article 1 and Article 2 are blaming nearly everything outside of you, essentially claiming you are a victim of circumstance most of the time. No wonder so many people are stressed, with thoughts like that you are doomed to live a life of chronic emotional and psychological stress.

I guess I should give them credit for their feeble attempt at sourcing the only cause of stress when they said this “Sometimes the stress comes from inside, rather than outside.”.

What Does WebMD Claim To Cause All Of Our Emotional and Psychological Stress?

To bring you closer to the truth of the one and only cause of stress I will bring truth each and every so-called stressor that is listed in both of WebMD’s articles.

As you read on you may resonate with some of the so-called stressors and I want you to know that by no means am I minimizing the challenge of each situation.

I have experienced several of these stressful situations myself, the difference is that I now experience them much differently, and you can too once you understand the one and only cause of your stress.

Your health

Example:  Diabetes

The lie: Diabetes is the cause of your stress

The truth: Your thoughts on you having diabetes are the cause of your stress.

Stressful thoughts such as:

“I cannot eat my favourite foods as often as I want now”

“I have no more freedom with food”

“My chances of dying at an earlier age have now increased”

Your relationships

Example:  Feeling lack of friendships or support

The lie: The feeling of this lack is the cause of your stress

The truth: Your thoughts that lead to this feeling of lack are the cause of your stress.

Stressful thoughts such as:

“My friends should call me more often”

“I am the one putting in all the work”

“Now is when I need people the most and they aren’t there”

Major life changes

Example:  Losing your job

The lie: The loss of your job is the cause of your stress

The truth: Your thoughts on you losing your job are the cause of your stress.

Stressful thoughts such as:

“How am I going to pay the bills?”

“I can’t believe they fired me instead of that low life”

“See, I’m not good enough for this, this proves it”

Stress in your family

Example:  Being a caregiver (which I currently am)

The lie: Being a caregiver is the cause of your stress

The truth: Your thoughts on being a caregiver are the cause of your stress.

Stressful thoughts such as:

“I don’t want to lose this person”

“Taking care of this person is such a burden on my life”

“They don’t appreciate what I do for them”

Conflicts with your beliefs and values

Example:  You value spending time with your family but don’t spend as much time with them as you would prefer

The lie: Not spending enough time with your family is the cause of your stress

The truth: Your thoughts on not spending enough time with your family are the cause of your stress.

Stressful thoughts such as:

“I should be spending more time with my family”

“If I stop working overtime then I won’t be able to pay the bills, and then we will lose the house, and then my spouse will divorce me, and then I won’t see my kids as often….AHHHHH”

“I am missing my kids growing up by not being there”

Your surroundings

Example: You live in a crowded city

The lie: The crowded city is the cause of your stress

The truth: Your thoughts on you living in a crowded city are the cause of your stress.

Stressful thoughts such as:

“I can’t stand being able to walk to the store while being elbowed 20 times”

“The traffic in this city makes my blood boil”

“I feel like I have no privacy around here”

Your shitty job

Example:  Being unhappy with your job

The lie: Your shitty job is the cause of your stress

The truth: Your thoughts on how shitty your job is are the cause of your stress.

Stressful thoughts such as:

“I hate my boss he’s an asshole”

“Everyone at work is so pretentious”

“I cannot believe they haven’t promoted me yet”

Public Speaking

Example:  Having to give speeches in front of colleagues

The lie: Giving speeches in front of your colleagues is the cause of your stress

The truth: Your thoughts on giving speeches in front of your colleagues are the cause of your stress.

Stressful thoughts such as:

“What if they don’t like my speech?”

“Now everyone sees how much of a failure I am”

“This will tarnish my flawless reputation if I screw up”

The death of a loved one

Example:  You lost your spouse

The lie: The loss of your spouse is the cause of your stress

The truth: Your thoughts on losing your spouse are the cause of your stress.

Stressful thoughts such as:

“Why them? They didn’t deserve it”

“My life is not worth living anymore”

“I can never move on from this”

Relationship problems

Example:  Your spouse cheated on you

The lie: Your spouse cheating on you is the cause of your stress

The truth: Your thoughts on your cheating spouse are the cause of your stress.

Stressful thoughts such as:

“I hope they burn in hell after what they did to me”

“I’m not worthy enough for someone to stay loyal to me”

“This relationship was a lie the whole time”

Increase in financial obligations

Example:  Extra medical expenses

The lie: The extra medical expenses are the cause of your stress

The truth: Your thoughts on the extra medical expenses are the cause of your stress.

Stressful thoughts such as:

“I cannot believe these expenses are not covered by the damn health care system or insurance, bunch of frauds they are”

“I can’t afford this”

“These drugs are way overpriced, what a ripoff”

Getting married

Example:  Planning the wedding

The lie: Planning the wedding is the cause of your stress

The truth: Your thoughts on planning your wedding are the cause of your stress.

Stressful thoughts such as:

“There are so many things to do and not enough time”

“I feel like I am doing all of the work (even though I don’t trust anyone else to get it done)”

“I look horrible, these pictures are going to be an eyesore”

Moving to a new home

Example:  Prepping your house for sale

The lie: Prepping your house for sale is the cause of your stress

The truth: Your thoughts on prepping your house for sale are the cause of your stress.

Stressful thoughts such as:

“This house is a pig sty”

“Nobody cares about this damn house but me”

“The house isn’t going to be ready on time”

Chronic illness or injury

Example:  Being diagnosed with cancer

The lie: Being diagnosed with cancer is the cause of your stress

The truth: Your thoughts on being diagnosed with cancer are the cause of your stress.

Stressful thoughts such as:

“Why me?”

“I’m going to die sooner than I want”

“My life is over”

Emotional problems

Example:  Being diagnosed with depression

The lie: Being diagnosed with depression is the cause of your stress

The truth: Your thoughts on being diagnosed with depression are the cause of your stress.

Stressful thoughts such as:

“This now confirms I am depressed”

“I guess this is the way it is, I am just a depressed person and there is nothing I can do about it”

“I am out of control”

Traumatic events

Example:  Having been abused

The lie: Having been abused is the cause of your stress

The truth: Your thoughts on having been abused are the cause of your stress.

Stressful thoughts such as:

“How could anyone else ever love me?”

“I should have been braver and said something earlier”

“I am such a weak person”

Attitudes and perceptions.

Example:  Your view of the world

The lie: Your view of the world is the cause of your stress

The truth: Your thoughts that create your view of the world are the cause of your stress. T

Stressful thoughts such as:

“This world is a tough place to live “

“There should only be peace in this world”

“You cannot trust anybody in this world”

Expectations

Example:  Having unrealistic expectations

The lie: Having unrealistic expectations is the cause of your stress

The truth: Your thoughts that create your unrealistic expectations are the cause of your stress

Stressful thoughts such as:

“They should know how to do that by now”

“I shouldn’t have to ask twice”

“If I did that for them then they should do this for me”

Have you figured out now what is the ONLY cause of stress?

If you guessed your thoughts you would be wrong. At this point, I can only assume you are extremely confused and I am loving the suspense.

If it is not thoughts that are the only cause of stress then what is it?

OK, OK….are you ready for it?

Are you sure?

It is the thoughts that you believe that are the only cause of your stress!

I would like to say this again as I cannot stress the importance of truly grasping what I am saying.

The thoughts you believe that are the only ones cause your stress

If you don’t believe me, re-read all of the examples from above, but this time read them without believing a single thought from the examples. In fact, how do you imagine you would feel if you believed the opposite of each of those thoughts?

I would like to now review a statement from WebMD that I mentioned in the beginning of the article that says “Sometimes the stress comes from inside, rather than outside.”.

The truth is that “Stress ALWAYS comes from the inside, rather than outside.”

We all have similar thoughts but we all believe different things, how?

How can two people respond differently to the very same situation even if they have the very same thoughts? They each believe different thoughts.

Once you start believing a thought you now give that thought more attention. This attention will lead to a feeling and this feeling will lead to a response. Therefore, different thoughts believed different responses.

Wrapping Up

I sincerely hope that finding out the one and only true cause of your emotional and psychological stress has been an uplifting and liberating experience for you. Believe me, this is one understanding that can truly change your life forever.

I encourage you to take control of the one cause of your stress by only believing in the thoughts that serve you.

best self improvement podcasts 1

7 Best Life Changing Podcasts I’ve Listened To

Whether you’re looking for the best podcasts for motivation, inspiration, anxiety, depression, better relationships, learn mindfulness, spirituality, business, entrepreneurship, or some form of self-help, personal development, or self-improvement,

I have a list of podcasts that will appeal to a variety of personalities and journeys out there.

What are the newest hits on the radio? I wouldn’t know…I don’t even listen to the radio anymore.

I have an 8-12 minute drive to work and an 8-12 minute drive back home. I do this an average of 1.5x/day.

I take my dog to the park or play with him outside in the backyard for 15-20 minutes every single day.

This allows me roughly 50-55 minutes every day to listen to podcasts. I have been around the block.

Best Podcasts To Change Your Life In Many Ways

(That I’ve Listened To)

Caffeine For The Soul Podcast

caffeine for the soul

Owner: Michael Neill

Speaker: Michael Neill

Best For: better relationships, mindfulness, spirituality, self-help, self-improvement, personal development, anxiety, depression,

Specialty: transformational thinking, the three principles

Episode Length: 5 – 10 minutes

Summary: Along with Brooke Castillo, Michael is my favourite mentor and coach. This podcast incorporates a little bit of the three principles understanding, many stories, and metaphors that help you understand that you live in a thought-created world, all your experiences are created by the three principles. Michael really knows how to keep you engaged and simplify all of his messages in an easy-to-understand manner. This podcast will appeal to those who are and aren’t interested in spirituality, and to everyone looking to improve their thinking.

The Life Coach School Podcast

inspirational podcasts

Owner: Brooke Castillo

Speaker: Brooke Castillo

Best For: better relationships, mindfulness, self-help, self-improvement, personal development, anxiety, depression, motivation, inspiration

Specialty: transformational thinking, self-coaching

Episode Length: 30 min – 2 hrs

Summary: Booke reminds me of a more upbeat, female version of my other favourite mentor and coach, Michael Neill. They both share the same approaches in their own unique ways. The amount of information in this podcast can be potentially overwhelming for some. I personally resonate very well with Brooke and her philosophies on life. If you have any interest in understanding how your thoughts create your emotions and actions and how to change them to achieve your desired result then this is a must-listen for you. There are specific episodes that will be a huge benefit to coaches, but for the most part, this podcast is for everyone.

School Of Thought Podcast

spirituality podcasts

Owner: School Of Thought

Speaker: Various Experts

Best For: better relationships, mindfulness, self-help, self-improvement, personal development, anxiety, depression

Specialty: the three principles, spirituality

Episode Length: 50 – 60 minutes

Summary: This podcast is primarily based on the three principles understanding. If you are not familiar with the three principles that, are OK, you will not be lost. There are some very big names from the world of the three principles, including Dr. Jack Pransky, Elsie Spittle, Dr. Mark Howard, George Pransnky, Dicken Bettinger, and Dr. Bill Pettit. If you like spirituality, you will love this podcast. If you are not into spirituality try listening with an open mind, the speakers really know how to simplify a complex topic.

Coaches Rising Podcast

personal development podcasts

Owner: Coaches Rising

Speaker: Various Experts

Best For: better relationships, mindfulness, self-help, self-improvement, personal development

Specialties: coaching, spirituality

Episode Length: 40 – 70 minutes

Summary: This podcast is primarily for coaches, although there are episodes that can benefit anyone. There are some big names in the spiritual and coaching world in this podcast, Gay Hendricks, John Prendergast, and Karen Kimsey House to name a few. It is interesting to listen to how each of these infamous coaches views the world in their own way. The only downside is: an episode is released every 2-4 weeks.

The Lightwork of Transformational Coaching Podcast

self help podcasts

Owner: Leon Vanderpol and Craig Hedge

Speaker: Leon Vanderpol and Craig Hedge

Best For: better relationships, mindfulness, spirituality, self-help, self-improvement, personal development,

Specialty: personal transformation, transformational coaching

Episode Length: 20 – 30 minutes

Summary: This podcast will not be found on any of the podcast players. You can listen to it here. This podcast consists of 9 highly informative episodes. The topics are primarily centered around human transformation, ranging from deep listening, soul/life purpose, to trying vs allowing, and much more. Craig and Leon are extremely well-spoken and easy to listen to. It is like eavesdropping on two amazing transformational coaches.

Best Podcasts To Change Your Life

(That I Haven’t Listened To But Plan To)

(In no particular order)

The Tim Ferriss Show Podcast

best motivational podcasts

Owner: Tim Ferriss

Speaker: Tim Ferriss and various others

Best For: better relationships, mindfulness, spirituality, self-help, self-improvement, personal development, health, anxiety, depression

Specialty: entrepreneurship, business

Episode Length: 20 min – 2 hrs+

Summary: coming soon

The GaryVee Audio Experience Podcast

self improvement podcasts

Owner: GaryVee

Speaker: GaryVee and various others

Best For: self-help, self-improvement, personal development, anxiety, depression,

Specialty: entrepreneurship, business

Episode Length: 20 min – 2 hrs+

Summary: coming soon

Do you have experience with any of these great podcasts? Please share with everyone!

 Any podcasts not on the list that you feel deserve recognition? Please share!

what should i do with my life

“What Should I Do With My Life?” – Ask Better Qestions

Does This Sound Like You?

“What should I do with my life?”

“I don’t know what to do with my life”

“What to do with my life…”

“What do I want to do with my life?”

“What to do in life…”

“What am I doing with my life?”

These are the most common questions and statements people are seeking answers to all over the internet, can you believe that?

These are disempowering questions and statements that essentially got you to where you are now.

Read on if you would like to learn how to change that.

This is not an article full of fluffy random tips like the one on themuse.com that you have probably stumbled across while searching your questions on Google.

You will come across some transformational questions that have an opportunity to transform your outlook on your life. You just might actually figure out what to do with your life. And yes, that is possible to do from reading just one article.

Take out a pen and paper because you will have some work to do!

The answers are inside of you, not on Google

You do know what to do with your life, you just haven’t asked the right questions yet to bring the answers to your conscious. This is my attempt to facilitate the start of that journey for you.

It is all about the unique you, and not your convoluted beliefs influenced by everything outside of you.

“What should I do with my life?”

This has to be one of the most disempowering questions if you really want to find out what to do with your life.

Read my post on the word “should” to get a deeper understanding of the consequences of using this word.

The question “what should I do with my life?” will take you down a road of hypothetical options influenced by judgements from people and society instead of yourself.

A better question to ask yourself is “what do I want to do with my life?”. Now we are getting somewhere. It can be easy to confuse your “wants” and “shoulds”.

If you aren’t sure which one is influencing you then just to ask yourself “WHY?”.

Why do you want to do that with your life?

Why do you think you should do that with your life?

It is a “should” if you get answers like:

I should do that with my life because…

I should do that with my life because I can make more money

I should do that with my life because that is what my parents want me to do

I should do that with my life because it is the family business

I should do that with my life because everyone I know thinks I should

I should do that with my life because I don’t know what else to do

It is a “want” if you get answers like:

I want to do that with my life because…

I want to do that with my life because I am passionate about it

I want to do that with my life because I love doing it

I want to do that with my life because it brings me joy

I want to do that with my life because it brings meaning to my life

This brings us to the next question…

“What do I want to do with my life?”

This is a much more empowering question to ask than “what should I do with my life?” because you are the only influence towards the answers to that question. It is all about the unique you, and not your convoluted beliefs influenced by everything outside of you. There is a catch though, you must be able to determine your wants as completely separate and not influenced at all by any of your “should do’s” in life.

This will require some soul-searching and a higher awareness of the influences behind your current beliefs. As it is your beliefs that will ultimately be guiding all of the answers you will get when you ask yourself “what should I do with my life?”

How to find out what you want to do with your life

By no means is what I am about to say a roadmap to finding out what you want to do with life. What it is, is a rock solid guide that will point you in the right direction, an empowering direction oppose to the dead end you find yourself at.

Questions, questions, questions! That is what will uncover what you truly want to do with your life. They must be the right questions of course.

Questions to help discover what you want to do with your life

What are you passionate about?

What brings you immense joy?

What were you doing the last time you felt like time stood still?

What else has ever given you this feeling?

What were you doing in life when you felt like your life had the most meaning?

What is something you haven’t done but have always wanted to do?

What are some things you have always done because you wanted to and not because you felt you had to?

What would you do if you knew you could not fail?

Now, what you should notice is that there are certain answers that tend to overlap in some way. These are the answers that you want to put your focus toward.

Here’s a hypothetical example:

What are you passionate about? Animals, golf, politics

What brings you immense joy? Spending time with my pets, golfing with friends, spending time with family

What were you doing the last time you felt like time stood still? At the park with my dog

What else has ever given you this feeling? Pet sitting for friends, my honeymoon, spending time at the zoo, political rallies

What were you doing in life when you felt like your life had the most meaning? I was volunteering at the animal shelter when I was younger

What is something you haven’t done but have always wanted to do? Own my own business, write a letter to the president

What are some things you have always done because you wanted to and not because you felt you had to? Pet sit, play with my dog, go golfing, stay up to date with politics

What would you do if you knew you could not fail? I would start my own business

Now obviously since I made this up it is quite easy to pinpoint the key drivers here. There are two major drivers:

  1. This person LOVES spending time with animals
  2. This person wants to start their own business but doesn’t believe they can

The answer to this persons’ question of “what do I want to do with my life?” has become much more clear. What they really want is:

  1. To own their own business
  2. This business will involve spending time with animals

I’m On Vacation

Every single day ’cause I love my occupation

– Dirty Heads

At this point, you can narrow it down to plenty of different options that fit those criteria. The next question to ask would be “which option feels right?”

“What am I doing with my life?”

“What am I doing with my life?” has to potential to be a wonderful reality check for you. That is, if you have the courage to look at your life right now, as it is, and face the truth. The fact that you are even asking this question shows courage.

This question places all of the responsibility on you, which is a fantastic start. Whatever it is you are doing right now, you created it. First, it started with a thought, and then you manifested the life you are currently living as you know it through those accumulated thoughts.

“I don’t know what to do with my life”

Sorry, but saying “I don’t know what yo do with my life” will only reinforce the belief that you actually don’t know, there are no answers here. I have a question for you… if you don’t know, then who does know what to do with your life? Right…moving along.

“What to do with my life…”

Same as above.

“What to do in life…”

Same as above.

In case your wondering…

I live and breathe all of what I have discussed here on finding out what to do with your life. I absolutely love what I do as a personal trainer, coach, and blogger. I wouldn’t trade what I do for any other job or amount of money. I truly hope that one day you can say the same.

Love what you do, do what you love, the money can be created!

Learn from all of your experiences, opportunities are everywhere.

Take care,

Rob Kish

erik erikson psychological development theory

Rebuttal to Erik Eriksons’ Psychological Development Theory

Working as a coach in the fitness and health industry, one of the most common beliefs that I hear is “I have been working out for X amount of years, I know what I am doing”. This could not be further from the truth. Your experience, not just from the perspective of working out, but from a universal perspective, is not guaranteed to provide you with any knowledge or advantage whatsoever. Let me explain why.

Below is an excerpt from my NLP Master Practitioner training course from a module titled “Psychological Levels Of Development” that will dis-spell the myths of:

  1. Experience = Knowledge, Skills, Awareness
  2. Age = Wisdom

Teachers’ response to my original answer for the module exercise:

” You have quite a comprehensive response to the essay and seem to have invested enormous energy in psychological development. According to the manual “It is easy to understand that a small child of five years of age does not possess the same knowledge, skills, and awareness that a mature adult of 50 has. Between five and 50 years of learning and experience for which there is no substitute. To achieve a similar degree of development as a mature adult, there seems to be no choice but for the child to get through a similar number of years, adding to his experience and awareness along the way.” In other words, a person’s chronological age must be equal to or greater than his or her psychological age. My question is this – would you agree with that statement or not so much? “

My response to her question:

” In response to whether I agree with the logic behind the levels of psychological development not being able to exceed your chronological, I do not agree. It appears that presuppositions have been made to point to the fact that psychological development is absolute and not relative. The 2 main flaws I extracted out of that theory, among many, are:
 

1) I believe it is possible for one to gain 20 yrs of psychological development in say, 10 yrs. This can happen by actively seeking new experiences and avoiding complacency. If you compare that to one who does not actively seek new experiences and remains complacent, it is possible to see how there can be a huge gap in experience over time.

The person who comes home from the same job they have had for years, and sits on the couch for 5 hours to watch t.v will gain very little new experience compared to the person who is acting out in the world learning through various methods and growing as a person and professional.

2) The major presupposition that I feel was largely overlooked is that everyone has actually treated their experiences as an opportunity to learn. Meaning, they have created an awareness of their past experiences, created an objective awareness, and actively sought out to learn and apply their learning, which in turn will create even more new experiences to learn from.

In my opinion, wisdom is only gained from experience if you actually learn from it and apply what you have learned, otherwise you have not grown. I hope that what I have in my mind and what I articulated here come across the same. Thanks for the question, it made me think outside the box a little. “

Whether you agree with me or not on my rebuttal against the psychological development theory, I am sure we can both agree on one thing, and that is learning from your experiences will teach you more than not learning from them.

Are You Learning From Your Experiences?

Learn from all of your experiences, opportunities are everywhere.

Take care,

things to stop saying

Consider These 9 Things To Stop Saying, For Your Own Sake

If you can manage to eliminate these 9 phrases from your vocabulary you will transform your communication forever. There is an underlying theme to these phrases which I will reveal at the end, see if you can figure it out for yourself before you get to the end.

Before you keep reading…

As you go through each phrase, instead of imagining yourself saying it to someone else (which is what most people would do), imagine that you are on the receiving end of the phrase. Most times, when it is you who is the one saying these phrases you don’t see the hidden insinuations you are making or how someone could possibly receive what you are saying, regardless of your “intentions”. So I encourage you to take a few seconds and receive the message as if it is actually being said to you and see what feelings pop up.

“No Problem”

The problem with this phase is that it insinuates that there was a problem in the first place. By assuring someone that it is not a problem communicate to them that you assumed they thought it was a problem in the first place. Next time someone says “thank you” respond by saying “you’re welcome”.

If you don’t quite understand the effects this has, pay more attention to when others respond to you with “no problem” and “you’re welcome”. Analyze how you internalize each response, and in turn, how you feel towards each response. The results may surprise you.

Say Instead: “You’re Welcome”

“That’s Easy For You To Say”

First of all, who said it was easy for them to say, or do what it is they are saying? This phrase typically refers to an action to be taken and this response insinuates that the person you are responding to thinks it is an easy step to take. It is used for insinuating that, although something may be easy or simple for them, it is not easy or simple for you.

I find this is a highly defensive response that people use when they are insecure about their own capabilities or think that the other person is attempting to take advantage of them. The hidden meaning behind this phrase is largely dependent on the context in which it is used.

This phrase also makes a reference to your lack of belief in your own capabilities. For this reason, this is a phrase you will not hear a highly successful person saying.

“I Can’t”

“Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t–you’re right.” – Henry Ford

These two words are arguably the most destructive words you can say. Saying “I can’t” literally means you are stating that whatever it is that you are referring to is IMPOSSIBLE. This leaves you zero chance of accomplishing it.

Say Instead: “I Can”

“I’ll Try”

This phrase is typically used if you fear accountability. By saying this you are giving yourself a way out before you even begin. This way if you don’t do it you are off the hook since you never made the commitment “To Do” it. This converts your focus to the possibility of “not doing” instead of the possibility “of doing”.

Say Instead: “I Will”

“It’s Not A Big Deal”

Anytime you say this to another person you are minimizing whatever it is you are referring to. Nobody likes to have their issues minimized, what they do like is for you to at least try to understand. By minimizing their issue you are also making a loud judgment about them.

Say Instead: Nothing, listen non-judgmentally, be a friend.

“It’s Not My Fault”

This is a typical response from people who don’t take responsibility for themselves. Saying this is an intentional deflection to rid of any possible responsibility for yourself and put it on someone else and you literally add no value to the conversation. Next time, if it truly was not your fault and your actions had zero impact on the situation, try asking how you can help.

“Get Over It”

This appears to be quite the common saying these days. The hidden meaning behind this is similar to “It’s not a big deal” with the addition of a potentially more hurtful meaning. By saying this to someone else you are minimizing the situation and are additionally saying “I don’t care” or “I don’t want to hear any more”.

Say Instead: Nothing, listen non-judgmentally, be a friend.

“If You Love Me, You Would…”

This phrase is a true relationship killer. It is an attempt for the ultimate guilt trip, using life’s most powerful emotion against someone in order to get your own way. It is disgustingly manipulative. Although I don’t believe people realize that or have those exact intentions when they say it, it will have the same impact.

True love is unconditional and saying this adds a condition to the other person’s love. In addition to that, to what extent someone will go for someone they love is entirely subjective, and purely your own opinion. What you are asking them to do if they love you is not a universal rule that all people who love another must, and will do what you’re asking if they love you.

Say Instead: Nothing, listen non-judgmentally, be a friend.

“Whatever”

You may as well say what you really mean, which is “I care, but I am going to act like I don’t by telling you I don’t care because I don’t want you to think that I care” or “my ego has been hurt so please stop talking”.

The Common Theme

Each one of these phrases comes with hidden insinuations that have a negative incantation to them.

Do you know any other phrases that deserve to be on this list?

Please share in the comments below!

how to stop emotional eating

How To Stop Emotional Eating And Food Cravings

Let’s face it, we’ve all been there, that mid-afternoon craving, the dinners that aren’t complete without a sweet finish, the late evening crunch, and the uncontrollable urge to fill cravings when stress takes over your life. This can also be applied to alcohol for those of you who are constantly tempted by that ice-cold beer or a soothing glass of wine. 

It is not the act of eating or drinking alcohol that is the issue of discussion, it is the reasoning behind those actions. Since if you are not eating or drinking for any other reason except a feeble attempt to elicit a feeling that you perceive as more positive or beneficial than what you currently feel, THAT is the problem. 

Given that we are dealing with emotions here, your emotional distress may go very deep for some of you. This may take weeks, or possibly months of active re-conditioning to really take back control, while others may come to an abrupt end after having created a massive paradigm shift in the mind. Putting a stop to emotional eating or food cravings is not a quick fix, it takes a keen understanding, a conviction to change, and daily conscious reinforcement. 

Hunger vs Cravings 

Understanding the difference between true hunger and an emotional food craving is absolutely pivotal to your long-term success towards eating intuitively. Most people that are emotional eaters have little to no distinction between the two. 

Follow the next step to help decipher between the two. 

 How To Control Emotional Eating With A Journal 

Logging your cravings into a journal is an amazing way to start understanding how your emotions and habits affect your cravings. You can really start to decipher between emotional cravings and true hunger by using this tool. 

Keeping a journal will encourage you to explore your thoughts, emotions, habits, and relationship with food in a way you have never done before. 

I highly recommend you journal for a minimum of 2 weeks. This allows enough time for patterns to emerge. Nearly all of our daily actions can be traced back to a certain pattern. Once you are aware of the pattern, your brain picks up on this. 

FREE JOURNAL DOWNLOAD 

 How To Control Emotional Eating Without Eating  

Emotional eaters use food in an attempt to elicit a certain emotion they would like to experience. This is why it is paramount to log your cravings in order to understand what those emotions are. This will bring awareness to what you were previously oblivious to. If you haven’t already, download the journal from the link above, this will make much more sense when you take a look at the journal.

Common emotions that trigger emotional eating: 

  • Despair 
  • Boredom 
  • Sadness 
  • Unworthiness 
  • Frustration (common from work stress) 
  • Fear 
  • Reward Based 

One major flaw with using food in an attempt to re-balance your emotional state (beyond the obvious of adding numerous empty calories) is that any positive feelings that may arise from your emotional binge are TEMPORARY!  

What happens an hour later when the high wears off and you go right back into that same undesired emotional state? Since you haven’t any other way to elicit the emotion you striving for other than stuffing your face with food, you will repeat the same pattern. 

 Breaking The Emotional Eating Pattern 

 STEP 1 – Get Leverage 

The first thing you need to do is get real with yourself.  Write down all the ways that your current emotional eating pattern will cause you misery in the future when it comes to your health, relationships, self-image, career, and any other area of your life that will be affected. Don’t beat around the bush, and don’t butter it up. If you think your current pattern has the potential to take 20 years off your life then write it down! BE REAL! 

If you do not get enough leverage on yourself you will not succeed. If you do not feel a compelling motivation to change the instant after you read what you wrote down then you do not have enough leverage on yourself. In other words, you need a stronger reason to inflict change. 

 STEP 2 – Replace The Pattern 

Write down 15 things (or more) you can do that will generate the desired emotions you discovered from your food log. None of these things can include eating ANYTHING! Sure, you can cook, as cooking is a fantastic therapy for many people. Don’t be eating your delicious meal as your cooking it though! And no, baking a sugar-filled dessert does not count! Cook a meal that will add years to your life, not take them off. 

Spontaneous Outcomes

This strategy relies on breaking the pattern through rearranging certain tendencies, or habits. For example, if you have a tendency to stay up late, say 1 hour later than you would like to go to bed, and this also tends to be a time when you do much of your late-night snacking, simply go to bed 1 hour earlier. By doing this you will effectively break the current pattern of associating snacking within that specific hour prior to bed, and an association with whatever you typically do within that hour before bed. If you completely eliminate both triggers then there is nothing left to associate late-night snacking with.

You can apply this strategy to any other evening tasks that are part of your ritual such as when you eat dinner, when you shower, when you watch t.v when you call your mother when you walk the dog when you go to the gym etc. Completely re-arrange when you do all these things, mix it all up, it will throw your mind for a loop, wondering what you’re doing in the shower when you are typically watching t.v and snacking at that time. There is a good chance the craving will pass since you broke your evening ritual pattern.

The way this works is you are taking advantage of the fact that humans are creatures of habits and patterns, and manipulating this to your advantage.

This is such a simple strategy that it can easily be overlooked. It is extremely powerful and so easy to implement!

How To Stop Emotional Eating Through Extreme Measures 

Before reading ahead, you must understand that what I am about to discuss is not for the faint of heart. It is a drastic attempt to kick a particular food from your diet for good. It has the ability to be highly effective if putting an end to your emotional, and even habitual eating habits for good. 

 The 24 Hour Strategy  

The strategy here is actually very simple, you may even chuckle after you read it wondering if this guy is actually serious. 

Let’s say chocolate is the bane of your existence and you must kick it from your diet for good. Buy all of your favourite chocolates, if it’s just one then buy 1 kind if you have 5 different favourites buy all 5. Make sure you buy more than enough to supply yourself as the only food you will be eating for 24 hrs. 

Yes, that is right, eat those chocolates (or whatever food it is you’re trying to kick) for 24 hours straight. You are allowed no other food. You will get sick (literally) of your chosen food by the time those 24 hours are up. 

The Premise Behind This Strategy  

Most people can relate to this: Is there a certain food you cannot eat anymore because you have gotten sick off of it at one time? Maybe it was food poisoning, maybe you had the flu, maybe you drank too much alcohol, etc. The reasoning doesn’t necessarily matter, because your brain associates being nauseated with this particular food it has been conditioned to reject even the mere thought of it. 

Your brain is currently wired to gain pleasure from eating your chosen food. The objective of this strategy is to rewire your brain to associate disgust with your chosen food. 

 Exercise is A Strategy – And It Biochemically Changes You 

If you exercise or have exercised in the past, and you are mindful of your reactions post-exercise you will notice a significant reduction or elimination of cravings. This effect can last the entire day if you work out in the morning. 

For those people who tend to reward themselves after meals or are late-night snackers, go for a 10-minute brisk walk and watch your craving disappear into thin air. 

Exercise has been shown to reduce Cortisol (our stress hormone), increase Dopamine and Serotonin (which is why you feel great after a workout), and improve insulin sensitivity (which will stabilize your blood sugar levels). If you have unstable blood sugar due to a lack of insulin sensitivity, which is the gateway to Diabetes, you will tend to crave after your blood sugar drops rapidly. 

 Meditation Is A Strategy – It Also Biochemically Changes You 

Meditation is gaining a very strong evidence-base towards its’ positive effects on the brain. One of the most notable effects is the ability of meditation to significantly reduce stress and change our state very rapidly. 

The rapid change of state can instantly reduce your stress, and in turn, reduce your stress hormone Cortisol and raise your feel-good hormones Dopamine and Serotonin.  

A great time to do a quick meditation is immediately after arriving home from work. This is typically when stress levels are at their highest and can last well into the evening affecting your quality of sleep. 

For those of you who have never tried meditation, there is a fantastic app that you can use for free to guide you along the way. The app is called InsightTimer, you can click on the link below to download it for free. 

Download: InsightTimer

 And Remember…

You Must Take Action! 

Good Luck! 

 If you have any questions feel free to contact me, I would love to help you out!

awaken the giant within workbook

Awaken The Giant Within Workbook PDF

Awaken The Giant Within by Tony Robbins is one of my favourite personal development books. The information provided by Tony is truly life-changing IF you actually apply it. Without applying the education on yourself, you don’t change, the book sits on your shelf collecting dust, and you missed out on a life-changing opportunity. The amount you learn about yourself by doing the exercises within the book is mesmerizing.

This is why I took the time to type up, and neatly organize every single exercise from the book into a much-needed companion to the book itself. Below is the download to the workbook, do the exercises, they will change your life forever trust me! If you have yet to purchase the book you may do so HERE.

 

Buy on Amazon:

Awaken The Giant Within

Download the Workbook:

awaken the giant within workbook

Awaken The Giant Within Workbook PDF

how to reduce stress

How To Reduce Stress Levels Instantly

Stress is the #1 cause of disease and an epidemic in its’ own right. Money (and anything related to this currency) and time (not enough) are probably the 2 largest contributors towards influencing people’s perceived stress levels today.

Stress is also the #1 contributor to today’s astronomically high divorce rate. You can argue that money is the #1 contributor, and that wouldn’t be false. What is the by-product of the negative connotation that money brings in this relationship that it destroys? STRESS!

Before you continue reading I want you to understand that the information I will be provided in this article is NOT a long-term solution for solving your stress “problem”. I will be providing ways to achieve immediate relief from your perceived stressors, which if implemented consistently, in the long run, can play a major role in the long-term solution.

You must understand this first…we create our own stress.

2 Effective Ways To Obliterate Stress Instantly

I will be touching on 2 effective ways to completely obliterate your stress on the spot. I can attest to their effectiveness and each strategy is nothing short of life-changing I can assure you. Neither is easy to do and must be practiced daily on even the most minute stressors.

These 2 ways are:

  1. Changing your perception/Reframing
  2. Mindfulness

These are definitely not the only 2 ways to reduce stress levels immediately, they are the only 2 I will be touching on in this article. I chose these 2 strategies based on personal experience, as I have used them on myself and others with outstanding results.

How To Reduce Stress By Changing Your Perception

I know, you might be thinking…

“NO F*cking way, this happened to me, that happened to me, this person did this to me, that person said that to me, THESE ARE ALL THE THINGS THAT ARE CAUSING MY STRESS NOT ME!”

I hate to break it to ya, it is not the circumstances of your life that cause your stress, it is your perception of those circumstances that cause your stress. Within that perception, you develop the meaning you have given to each circumstance.

So long as you remain a victim of circumstance, you will be a prisoner of your own mind

Example:

(In this example I will use one of my clients. For sake of privacy I will name the lady June and leave the event nameless)

June and her husband created a special event to gather more awareness of a specific topic. The purpose of this event was not to make money, and solely for awareness. The couple had worked tirelessly on creating this special event, putting in countless hours, and funded it with their own money.

The couple had just hosted their 2nd annual event. The turnout was good considering the poor weather, as the event was hosted outdoors. During the event, one of their trusted board members approached them with some sour news. This board member informed them that another board member is conspiring against them.

The plan was to hijack the event, and ultimately steal the rights to it. There was much effort put into the hijacking and was planned months prior. Without the act of the one board member who fed June this information, the hijacking probably would have been a success.

June and her husband are now in an ongoing legal battle with the hijacker,  in order to ensure rights to the event they had created from scratch.

Junes’ perception of the event: It was a personal attack

June took the attempted hijacking as a personal attack against her, as a person.

Can you imagine how much stress that would inflict on you to take the majority of your unfortunate circumstances personally? To make the entire situation about YOU?

How a shift in perception brought June immediate stress relief

June’s New Perception: The attempted hijacking is actually a compliment

How is that horrible action a compliment you may ask? June created such a phenomenal event that someone actually put their reputation on the line in an attempt to steal it from her. People don’t do that unless what they are going after is worth their own reputation.

Nothing in life has any meaning except the meaning we give it

Anthony Robbins

How the power of questions changed June’s perception:

Question: “Why would anyone ever want to steal an event from someone?”

Answer: “Because they want to own it for themselves”

Question: “And why would they want to own the event for themselves?”

Answer: “Because they see potential in it, they see value in it, maybe they envy it because they don’t believe they can create such a phenomenal event, and need to steal it from someone else, maybe they saw all the hard work has been done and want to now ride the wave of success?”

Question: “Why would someone put their entire reputation on the line in an attempt to steal something that is not theirs?”

Answer: “Because they see enormous value in it”

Question: “Who created this enormous value from scratch?”

Answer: “June did. Congratulations to June, as she just created an event so phenomenal that someone was willing to put their entire reputation on the line for it. Trying to hijack it was their way of complimenting you on creating such enormous value.”

2 Questions you can ask yourself to get curious:

  1. What else could this mean?
  2. If I had to find something positive about this what would it be?

Practice Reframing By Using Past Unwanted Circumstances

Get a piece of paper and write down this exercise:

  1. Choose a situation from your past that still brings unwanted emotions when you think about it
  2. Ask yourself the 2 questions above to get yourself curious
  3. Write down all the answers you can come up with, the more answers the better

Practice this with as many unwanted experiences from your past as you can. The more you practice, the more you train your new thought patterns, and you end up breaking your old thought patterns that have created much of your unwanted stress in the past.

How To Reduce Stress With Mindfulness

For those who are unaware, mindfulness means being fully immersed in the present moment. Your mind is not anywhere else except being aware of the very moment you are in at any given time. Mindfulness provides immediate stress relief due to the simplicity of being in the present moment.

How does this happen? Stress is caused by thoughts about either the past or the future. Thoughts, and therefore stress cannot exist when we are immersed in, and fully aware of the present moment.

This sounds so simple, yet the majority of people struggle with being mindful. The main cause for this is not being aware of being aware, this awareness is what many spiritual experts call the “witness” or “impartial spectator”.

In order to catch yourself in thought, you must first be aware that you are thinking. Without this awareness, mindfulness will not happen very often for you, and you will live mindlessly, and the chronic stress will continue to eat away at you.

You cannot be both unhappy and fully present in the Now.

Eckhart Tolle

Develop A Trigger For Your Awareness

When you are thinking and acting mindlessly, you must have a trigger that brings you back to the present moment. A trigger that will bring awareness to the “witness” or “impartial spectator”.

Examples of Triggers:

  • Focusing on, and taking a deep breath
  • Wearing an elastic band on your wrist and snapping it
  • Focusing on a specific colour
  • Focus on 1 of your 5 senses
  • Pinch yourself

Your trigger can literally be anything, do what works best for you. Try different triggers and choose one that resonates with you. Start off by using the trigger any time you catch yourself experiencing an emotion you don’t want to feel and bring yourself back to the present moment.

Taking Action And Adjusting Expectations

I completely understand how difficult can be to implement either one of these strategies. It may get frustrating at times, you may feel like you aren’t making any progress, but as long as you are doing your best to implement the change then you are making progress.

Adjust your expectations so that no matter the outcome, you win. If you establish an expectation that it will be easy to implement one of these strategies and that it will work immediately then you are setting yourself up for major frustrations.

Establish the expectation that you will give 100% effort every time, regardless of the outcome, and you will win.

Start small and practice each strategy daily. Eventually, both strategies will become an unconscious act, and your life will change forever, as did mine. Repetition is key!

If you have any experience with either of these strategies please let everyone know in the comments below!

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