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effort vs result

Effort vs Result – The Difference And Why It Matters

Despite Best Efforts, Shitty Efforts Get Rewarded

I ‘ve witnessed many times the kid who clearly gave a phenomenal effort during a hockey game, only to have their efforts overshadowed by the kid who scored the winning goal—yet put forth a petty effort the entire game. The kid who put forth the shitty effort got all the praise just because they got the result, despite their shitty effort.

How many times have we all put forth petty efforts into our homework because our parents wouldn’t let us do what we wanted to do until it was done? What does this teach us? Get the result regardless of your effort and you will be rewarded.

Now, what happens when we carry this conditioning into our adulthood? We attempt to cut corners, now believing that it’s the results that matter, not so much the efforts.

Why Even Try?

This leads many of us, including myself at one time, to ask “why bother even trying?”.

Since effort doesn’t get rewarded and is largely overlooked, why not find a way to cut corners, cheat, do things the easy way, to avoid the path that may require effort.

Not Trying vs The Path Of Least Resistance

I do feel the need to distinguish the difference between not trying and searching for the path of least resistance.

Not trying is putting forth an effort that doesn’t go beyond going through the motions, that doesn’t go beyond cruise control, that doesn’t go beyond just showing up.

The path of least resistance can have different meanings to different people. To me, the path of least resistance is the path in which we have not created resistance. The resistance we create through fear, doubt, shame, lack of meaning, lack of love, etc.

The path of least resistance doesn’t automatically encompass lack of effort, it encompasses the path where effort can be maximized.

The Effort Is The Journey

After many discussions with people, the journey tends to get overshadowed by the end game, the final result.

What is the fastest way to get there while putting in the least amount of effort?

The end result is reached and yet something still feels like it’s missing. There seems to be a lack of fulfillment. This is because

life is a journey, not an end game.

When you attempt to skip the journey and all its’ illustrious overcomings and resilience, you are skipping out on all that life has to offer. As long as you try and do this, you will never feel fulfillment when you reach your destination.

Results brought on without effort or challenge are unfulfilling.

This Is Why 70% Of Lottery Winners Struggle

According to the National Endowment for Financial Education, 70% of major lottery winners end up in financial difficulty. It is also reported that 1/3 of lottery winners go bankrupt.

There are reports on what these people do with their money to end up in such financial hardship, but what doesn’t get discussed much is the underlying reasons why these people can’t seem to keep the money they won.

I propose that the number one reason 70% of major lottery winners end up in a financial struggle is that they feel they didn’t earn it. They didn’t put in the blood, sweat, and tears. They didn’t create the result through a journey of overcoming challenges and massively rewarding efforts.

They essentially got something for nothing.

This is what happens when the journey is overlooked or skipped altogether. The result becomes an unrewarding focal point that leads one to ask themselves why they still feel so empty inside.

The Result Of Inner World Matching Outer World

When we are on the receiving end of a result we feel we did not earn, we will squander away the result any way we can in order to have our outer world matching our inner world.

Since we feel we did not earn the result, we must eliminate the result or discredit the result through means such as self-sabotage.

If we do not feel fulfillment inside of us, we feel somewhat empty, something is missing. When we feel empty inside we will create a world outside of us that is also empty. Hence why 70% of major lottery winners run into financial hardship.

When we cheat, cut corners, lie, and look for the easy way out, we lack fulfillment and a sense of earning it. As long as we continue to do this we will feel unfulfilled and/or undeserving.

Embrace The Journey

Hopefully, I have you somewhat convinced by now that the journey is just as important, if not more important, than the result.

Embrace your challenges. Embrace your fears, Embrace your growth. Embrace your sense of fulfillment.

Life is the journey, not the result, embrace it or you will miss out on it.
i deserve better

Why We Don’t Deserve Better, Worse Or Anything At All

One minute we’re deserving, the next minute we’re not, yet neither can be true because the infinite truth never changes, it’s our thoughts that are ever changing.

A recent trend of conversations has compelled me to write on the topic of “deserving”.

This word seems to get thrown around quite a bit when people attempt to:

Justify an otherwise knowingly poor decision.

I deserved that ice cream.

I deserved to spend that money I didn’t have.

To maintain their low self-worth by judging the greater worth of others.

They deserve better than me.

I deserve to be treated like shit.

To maintain a self-righteous, inflated ego and elevated self-worth by judging the lesser worth of others.

I deserve better than this/you.

You don’t deserve that.

I recently wrote about “YOLO” (You Only Live Once), a close cousin to “deserving”, and its’ similar repercussions. If you tend to use YOLO often you may want to read that after.

I Deserve Better – Where It All Begins

Surely, babies and toddlers don’t think they’re deserving or undeserving of anything in this world. If they did, we would hear some pretty remarkable comments:

I deserve real milk, not this fake milk.

I deserve to wear brand-name clothing, not this stuff from Walmart.

I deserve more toys.

I deserve to watch more T.V

I deserve a better stroller

I deserve better diapers

This is not an inherent genetic trait that gets passed down from generation to generation. We are not born with the conundrum of whether we are deserving or not.

It isn’t until you have learned from somewhere (parents, kids at school, teachers, sports) that you are either deserving or undeserving. This is done through a social conditioning that most of us fail to see, ever.

How Expectations In Sports Can Teach This

I used to think I deserved certain things in life. Having grown up playing competitive hockey, strengthened my conditioning that to deserve a reward you must first meet certain criteria or expectations. If these criteria were not met you were not rewarded. This can be seen in the interpersonal relationships between coaches and players, parents and players, and the team and the scoreboard.

Many times, if a kid plays well according to others (parents and coaches), they are typically treated as they deserve to be there by the coaches, and their own parents. On the flip side, if a kid does not play well, many times they are treated like they don’t deserve to be there by the coaches and their own parents alike.

For example, the team may have won an important championship game yet the kid who didn’t play well can easily feel ostracized and undeserving to participate in the celebrations due to not being treated the same way as they would by their coaches and/or parents if they had played well.

What it boils down to is this, if they play well, they feel deserving enough to be part of the team and when they don’t play well they don’t feel deserving enough to be part of the team. I’m sure anyone who has played sports can relate to this.

How Expectations In Parenting Can Teach This

The expectation and reward system is also a common ploy parents use to get their children to meet their personal expectations of them.

If you do your homework I will let you watch T.V.

If you get straight A’s on your report card I will buy you a gift of your choosing.

If you eat all the food on your plate I will let you have dessert.

If you clean your room I will let you go out with your friends.

In other words, if you meet my expectation I will reward you because you “deserve” it…if…if…if

What this also teaches kids is that they are undeserving when they don’t meet certain expectations.

Not to say that this system is right or wrong, I am merely pointing out its’ faults and the repercussions that can follow. Often these repercussions are carried forward to most people’s graves as they had no clue this reward system existed in the many ways that didn’t serve them.

Does Your Deservingness Serve You?

There are definitely healthy ways to use this reward/expectation system to your advantage, unfortunately, many people don’t appear to know that. What I mean by to your advantage is using the system in a way that serves you, whether that be serving your physical, mental, or spiritual health.

This is how many use their deservingness to not serve themselves:

Sitting on the couch with a bucket of ice cream in their lap because they think they “deserve” it after the day you have had, clearly doesn’t serve their physical health.

Going on a shopping spree and slapping the whole bill on their credit card because they “deserve” what they bought, clearly does not serve their mental or spiritual health.

You realize you have done a disservice to your mental and spiritual health when you realize you spent money you don’t currently have and the material things you bought don’t make you feel any more worthy. It was just a good idea at the time that was built on a faulty premise.

One question to always ask yourself before you go off the deep end is this: “Is what I am about to do going to serve my physical, mental, and spiritual health?”.

Do You Or I Deserve Better? Nope

This is the contrast that gets vastly overlooked. I mean really, it took me 32 years to see it so don’t feel bad if you didn’t.

The contrast is this:

In order to be deserving, we must first judge our previous self, or others, as undeserving in comparison.

To be deserving of something means that prior to whatever expectations were or were not met, you are not deserving of what comes next. This teaches us to live our lives undeserving of many things, that is until we meet the expectation that claims we are now deserving.

Our default now becomes “undeserving”. This is what leads many people, possibly even you, to indulge in things that really do not serve you and yet you continue to do so despite that knowledge.

You Deserve To Be Happy And Sad

Life is designed to be lived in polarities. None of us deserve one over the other as we were given the innate ability to feel happy or sad at any given time.

This is part of the divine design that we call life, and since we were not creative enough to design it, we surely are not going to be creative enough to manipulate it.

And that treat you’re eating surely isn’t creative enough either.

You Can’t Deserve What You Already Are

You are happiness

You are sadness

You are worth it

You are love

It’s not up to you, you are them all whether you think you deserve it or not.

The sun is in the sky whether we deserve it or not, whether we can see it or not.

Neither Deserving Nor Undeserving

Now, this is where things get interesting.

I propose a question to you: What if you are neither deserving or undeserving?

Where does that leave you?

You cannot have one without the other. To think you’re deserving means that you’re contrasting your previous self, or others, as undeserving and vice versa. This constitutes a MASSIVE judgment on your part, and a judgment that I would argue does not serve you.

Who Are We To Judge Anyways?

We think we earned the promotion that was given to another colleague of ours who we think doesn’t deserve the promotion.

Just because we think this, does not make it the universal truth, it only makes it true for us.

It’s only true for us because we believe our thoughts about this person being less deserving than us. Because we deem them as less than deserving, we will now treat them like they’re beneath us, like they don’t deserve it.

What if neither of us was deserving or undeserving? It is likely that if we saw both of us as equals, without judgment, we would have the capacity to actually be happy for them instead of criticizing them.

Another example.

We’ve all done it, and most still do. We put in a hard day’s work and decide we deserve a little treat. So we decide to hit our favourite fast food joint, bring out the ice cream or chips, maybe even have a couple more glasses of wine than normal.

All because we think we deserve it.

Why didn’t we deserve it before the end of a hard day’s work?

Why were we not worthy enough to treat ourselves?

Because we didn’t think we deserved it.

If we’d just stop judging ourselves so harshly we wouldn’t ever feel the need to treat ourselves with shit that doesn’t serve us. We would recognize our innate worth and treat ourselves with infinite love oppose to false senses of pleasure.

We would stop craving the need to deserve something because we would recognize we were never undeserving in the first place and neither was anybody else.

Being Deserving vs Being Innately Worthy

My next proposal is this: What if every single human being’s birthright is that they are worthy?

What if just for being born, which is a miracle in itself, we are all worthy of this miracle of our birth and therefore we are all worthy of the magnificence life has to offer.

You know how I know we’re all equally as worthy? We were born.

Worthy of love. Worthy of attention. Worthy of money. Worthy of hugs. Worthy of a promotion. Worthy of our dream mate. Worthy to have the whole world at our fingertips.

We are all innately worthy. If you are looking for proof of this then look no further than your own aliveness. You were worthy enough to have been given the greatest gift of all, this gift is called LIFE.

Lastly, It’s All In Your Head

Beyond all the jibberish I wrote up to this point, whether you think you’re deserving or undeserving, you just think that.

Beneath all of our thoughts is the infinite truth, we all came into this world as equal beings, and that never changes, only our thoughts do.

what to say when someone has cancer

What To Say When Someone Has Cancer? Be More Than Words

I write this with a heavy heart. Merely thinking about what my first words would be to someone who has cancer takes my breath and words away. Which is OK, as long as I keep breathing because I don’t think it’s the words that matter so much.

Even though I can say I have first-hand experience with wondering what to say to someone with cancer, being that my wife has cancer, this does not mean that my advice is neither right nor wrong. It is simply my perspective.

What To Say? Words Were Never Enough

For the first several years of our relationship, I kept looking for the right words, the perfect words to say to my wife that would ease her pain and suffering. Words that would bring her more ups and fewer downs.

What I neglected to realize after years of looking for that magic phrase is that words in and of themselves hold no power. It is the one who speaks that holds all of the power.

The words of some of the greatest leaders in history only held power because of who was speaking them. The power to be an enormously influential presence came as a result of their actions and who they showed up to be. Without their actions and presence, their words would hold about as much power as you or me.

Once I started to see this, I knew it was time to focus on who I am showing up as opposed to what I was going to say.

Be More Than Words

Now, I could be way off the mark here as I have never had cancer, I have only shared my life with someone who does. Based on my experience and feedback from my wife, one of the last things someone with cancer wants is to be surrounded by pity and fear.

Your ability to be present, while safely holding space full of love, understanding, and compassion will provide them infinitely more of what you want to give them than words ever could.

Therefore,

if we really want to be more than words, we must be love and not fear.

This is why it is so important to face your own fears surrounding cancer. If fear is dominating you then it is also dominating your love. Your presence will radiate fear and they will sense it.

What Would Mother Theresa Do?

Imagine, during one of the most painful memories you have ever experienced, that Mother Theresa approached you, with no words and no fear. She was radiating infinite love, compassion, and understanding as she walked toward you. You could just feel this infinite energy of love swarming all around you.

When she got to you, she draped her arms around you. She held you as if you were the only other person on this earth other than her.

Sure, Mother Theresa is a very wise woman, and she may whisper some words of wisdom in your ear. Ultimately, it is not the words that matter, anyone can say them, it is that they came from an infinite well of love.

It is her, as a human being, as a symbol of love, that brings you comfort, not the words.

See Them In Person

Nothing compares to human contact. It allows you to share space together, suspended by time and bound by love. You cannot achieve this through even the best technology in the world. Whether it be Facebook Live, FaceTime, or even a holographic figure of each other, none of them compare.

It doesn’t matter how close you are to them. It could be a work colleague that you have only spoken to once. If they aren’t well enough to make it into work and are at home resting, find out where they live and surprise them with your presence.

If you want to give them the gift of love, put yourself in front of them, give them a hug.

What If I Can’t See Them In Person?

Again, I strongly recommend you do find a way to see them in person, especially if this is someone close to you. Make sure you have exhausted every single option before you consider this. I understand that certain circumstances may not allow a face-to-face presence, and in this case, you need to find another way to show them your love beyond words.

The best gift we can give to someone with cancer is love, and lots of it

Ideas to show your love:

  • Make something for them (food, art, woodwork, be creative)
  • Send them a gift of an experience (a play, sporting event, date night, something they’ve always wanted to do but never did)
  • Donate to a charity in their name
  • Plant a tree in their name
  • Write a song or poem, maybe even send a video of you reciting

Put your thinking cap on, make your gift of love thoughtful and memorable

Websites For Unique Flower and Gift Ideas:

www.ellisigifts.com

www.globalrose.com

www.loveisarose.com

www.positivypack.com

www.demdaco.com

www.giftcards.com

If you have any other suggestions please share your own experiences and/or creative ideas.

Learn from all of your experiences, opportunities are everywhere.

Take care,

Rob Kish

life lessons

5 Valuable Life Lessons I’ve Learned As A Caregiver

To me, these 5 lessons that I learned through my journey of being a caregiver convey the profound simplicity of life.

1. There Are More Important Things

Being a caregiver to my wife, who has Leukemia, has influenced me to rethink what is really important in life. I used to think things like money, status, keeping mediocre relationships, pleasing others, getting out of debt, and petty complaints about things I couldn’t control were all of high importance in life, among other things.

When faced with a real risk of losing the one you love so dearly, all of those things fall to the wayside. Suddenly, all those things that you used to base all of your life decisions around aren’t all that important anymore. I can tell you this much, in the grand scheme of things, they aren’t worth ruffling your feathers over.

At the end of the day, all we ever want to feel in our lives are unconditional love, joy, and fulfillment. I was looking in the wrong direction my entire life up until I had this shift in perspective. I then realized I already had the recipe for unconditional love, joy, and fulfillment within me the entire time. It’s just like when you are looking everywhere for your sunglasses only to find out that you have been wearing them on top of your head the entire time.

2. Look For The Silver Lining

When I made a decision to start dating my current wife over 9 years ago, she already had Leukemia. In fact, she had Leukemia for 9 years prior to us starting to date. To think that this brush with cancer and potential death could pose a potential opportunity would have been absurd to me at the time, and borderline cruel.

I mean really, how could being a caregiver to the love of your life possibly present an opportunity? At the time, this would have sounded like positive thinking hocus pocus crap. Now? Not so much.

Over the years, I have learned to embrace the experience. I made a decision to use it as a catalyst that would eventually wake me up to more of who and what I really am. We are all equipped with an infinite well of innate wisdom and an inner genius just waiting to be tapped in to.

There is a silver lining within every experience, even within the worst tragedy you can possibly imagine. Time is going to pass regardless of what you do with it, we may as well look for the silver lining and use it to our advantage.

3. Be More Than Words

For numerous years at the beginning of our relationship, I just kept looking for those perfect words that would take my wife’s pain away. Words that would ease the suffering and despair. Words that would get her to know how much I love her and how much I care. There are no such words.

It’s who I am, how I show up, and the presence I bring to the table that has the power to transform. No words will ever match the potential impact that can have. When I’m radiating infinite energy of unconditional love and understanding in her presence, it provides her with a feeling of safety, love, and security that words had always failed to provide.

The next time you don’t know what to say to someone, say nothing, be more than the words you could not find. It is not the words you say that translate the feeling you desire them to feel, it is who you show up as.

4. It’s Not Personal

As I’m driving home from work, I’m imagining coming home to my wife and being received with a big warm hug and a tender heart. Her loving smile shows how excited and happy she is to see me.

I walk in the door and pause for a second, waiting for my imagined dream to come true. Instead, there is dead silence, all is still. I hear some rustling in the kitchen so I take my shoes off to go and greet her. As I walk into the kitchen I receive a “hey” as she continues to do what she is doing.

“This is not what I had in mind”, I think to myself, “She is barely acknowledging my existence.” I retaliate by doing exactly as she is doing, my demeanour suddenly changes and I become her. I am now full of tension throughout my entire body while radiating negative energy. “What did I do to deserve this treatment?” I think to myself.

I am about to confront her regarding her attitude, which to me screams “I don’t care!” At this point, I’m thinking “alright, here we go again, this is not what I want to come home to nor is this what I deserve to come home to.”

With her back turned to me she muffles under her breath, “sorry if I’m not myself, my whole body is in pain and I have a terrible migraine.” Well…that sure changes things! I was just about to make this whole situation about me when it actually had nothing to do with me.

The more this happened, the more I realized that it was never about me, and it never is. It is always about the other person, they are either in physical or emotional pain. This pain is either caused by their biology and/or their thoughts. Neither of which am I the root cause of.

The next time someone says or does something that you are about to take personally, gently remind yourself that they are in pain. When you take it personally, you become them. When you don’t, you become a source of compassion that they so desperately need at the moment.

5. Blind to Gratitude

For the first several years of my wife and I being together, all I could focus on was what life would be like without her. What would it be like to go to bed at night and wake up each morning alone, without her. What it would be like to come home from work and she is not there to greet me. Because I put so much focus on a future that may actually never happen, I started treating her like she was already gone.

My wife said to me one day, “You’re treating me like I am already gone.” I thought about that statement for several seconds, I knew she was right. That was a tough pill to swallow for me because how she felt is the exact opposite of how I wanted her to feel.

Her statement hit home with me. It also influenced me to take a look at the rest of my life to see where I am also doing the exact same thing. My wife has been my greatest teacher for appreciating the small things in life and appreciating them NOW.

When we become so focused on what we don’t have, or on what we may end up losing in the future, we become blind to what we have right NOW. We will treat others as if they don’t even exist. We will treat your job like we have already lost it. We will treat ourselves with a lack of care for our future.

A great example of this that resonates with most people is when someone is about to eat something that is terrible for their health and attempt to justify it by saying, “Life is short.” In actuality, what they should really be saying is, “I’m making my life shorter.” The focus is on living a short life and now their decisions are in alignment with creating the future of living a shorter life by ingesting food that has been proven to cause disease.

Your decisions and actions will always be in alignment with your thoughts. Decide to be grateful for all that you are and all that you have right NOW and watch your decisions fall into alignment with what you’re grateful for. The best part? You will make better decisions RESISTANCE FREE.

Learn from all of your experiences, opportunities are everywhere.

Take care,

Rob Kish

Originally published on PsychCentral: https://psychcentral.com/lib/5-lessons-from-a-cancer-caregiver/

busy vs productive

Being Busy vs Being Productive

According to Merriam-Webster’s dictionary, the word “busy” is defined as “engaged in action”, “full of activity”, “foolishly or intrusively active”, and “full of distracting detail”.

According to the same dictionary, the word “productive” is defined as “having the quality or power of producing especially in abundance”, “effective in bringing about”, and “yielding results, benefits, or profits”. See the difference?

“Busy” is one of the most common replies, if not the most common reply to typical questions such as:

How are you doing? “I’m busy”

How was your weekend? “Busy”

How’s was work today? “Busy”

How are the kids? “They’re keeping busy”

How was your day today? “It was busy”

How does your day look? “Busy”

It can be easy to misconstrue the meaning of the word “busy” with the meaning of the word “productive”. They are not the same and it can severely limit your productivity and enjoyment to believe so.

Being Busy Does Not Mean You’re Being Productive

I could wake up with just enough time to do the “necessities” and still get to my first client on time. I could then make my way to my first client without any intentions toward what I would like to achieve for this client, my other clients, for myself, or for the day as a whole. I could go about my day mindlessly personal training and coaching clients and chalk it up to a “busy day”.

Was I actually busy? Sure, by definition I guess I was. Was I productive? Nope.

I had no clear intention for what results I would like to yield from any aspect of my day. This lack of direction allowed me to meander through my day mindlessly, without having to invoke additional thought into the process of my day.

I was “active” but I was not “effective at producing or bringing about the results” I could have. Why is this? Because…

To be “productive” you must yield a specific, consistent result from your actions, you must deliver that action with intention, with purpose, with the desired result in mind. Otherwise, you’re just “busy”.

The Busy Person

People who are “busy” typically end up doing tasks to fill the gaps just for the sake of doing something to stay “busy”, followed up by some justification for their “business” . People who are “busy” generally get caught up doing monotonous tasks quite mindlessly or in a distracted sense, with the purpose of just getting shit done, and not working toward, or yielding a result that serves to their abundance. Their focus is on finishing and frequently can have their mind set on the next task prior to completing the current one.

The Productive Person

People who are productive generally have preset intentions for their day or tasks, along with clear purposeful actions that yield desired results. The productive person wants a specific result. Their focus is on the task at hand, using their presence to act mindfully with purpose and intention.

The actions performed by each person may be similar, but the results won’t be.

Two people can sing the same tune but that doesn’t mean they will sound the same.

Choose Your Words Wisely

It is no secret that the words we speak to others and to ourselves have a profound effect on our beliefs and mental state. This is why I encourage you, even if you feel you were unproductive, to start using the word “productive” every time you feel the urge to use the word “busy”.

Over time you will start to believe your own words. If you say that you were, or are “productive”, often enough you will start to believe it. This attests to choosing words that serve you rather than hinder you regardless of whether you believe them at the time or not, eventually, you will.

yolo

Does YOLO truly justify poor decisions?

I have to call bullshit on this one. In my experience, saying “you only live once” (a.k.a “YOLO”) has to be one of the most widely used beliefs for people to justify poor eating decisions.

I do want to clarify, I am referring to the poor decisions people make with only food and I am well aware that when it comes to eating there are many reasons why people make poor decisions. I am solely going to be talking about those who make poor food choices that use this belief to justify them.

I am also speaking on those who use this statement as their crutch to repeatedly justify their decisions, not the one-offs who do it once a month. For those people, it is much more empowering to say you made a decision to eat that shitty food because “you wanted to” since this would accept responsibility.

I call BS

I am eternally grateful that this is one BS belief I never bought into, it just never made sense to me. It is a belief that completely strips all your power away as you cry victim to only living once (even that is up for debate by some).

Because so many people fall into this belief and share the same commonality, I find it humorous to observe people’s responses when I neglect to agree with them on their statement that “you only live once” and in turn I ask “and do you prefer to live that one life shorter or longer? I mean…you only live once right?”.

The main point I am aiming to convey here is that justifying knowingly poor choices by saying “you only live once” is self-victimizing and does not serve you. To take it one step further,

I think it is a cop-out for not taking responsibility for poor decisions by trying to justify them.

Living Once…Shorter or Longer? The Choice is Yours

I don’t know about you, but I prefer to live longer based on the choices I make, not shorter. If you prefer the latter then I would be tempted to question how much you value your life? By repeatedly adhering to this disempowering belief you are actually making your life shorter.

Making choices that are known to potentially shorten one’s life may lead one to wonder why someone would do such a thing? I know for myself, I have always been curious as to why someone would take that risk.

In my opinion, it all comes down to how much one values their life and their need for instant gratification.

The Need For Instant Gratification

If someone eats those 2 cookies every night after dinner, eats out on weekends, or drinks that sugar-filled latte every day while knowing that the cumulative effects have a high probability of shortening their life must make them wonder why they would do such a thing. I find this is an area that many fear to explore due to discovering facing the truth behind the lie.

If one is lacking gratification in their life, then adding food as a source of instant gratification to their life at the cost of potentially shortening their life seems to make sense. Basically, what is being conveyed here is

“I would rather live a shorter life filled with some gratification then life a longer life that lacks the same gratification”

If you are one to seek instant gratification from food, it is potentially life-saving to explore how you can add more sustainable sources of gratification in your life that will actually serve you living longer and feeling better.

Life-Value

It is very clear to see how much one values their life by observing their decisions. Eating those 2 cookies every night (or every other night) because “you only live once” really speaks to the value they place on their life.

One who repeatedly makes decisions to eat food that has a high probability of shortening their life seems to neglect the value of making decisions that have a high probability of extending their life.

Our decisions are always in alignment with our thoughts. Therefore, if one thinks that their life has little value then they will treat it as such by making decisions that support a life that they deem has little value.

Wrapping Up

If you happen to be one of those people who use the statement “you only live once” to justify your poor food choices, it is completely understandable if you resist facing the truth behind the lie. It does not mean there is something wrong with you or that you’re any less of a person than anyone else.

All it means is that you innocently believed a lie that has not served you up to this point in your life and you now have the opportunity to empower yourself by consciously choosing a belief that will serve you living a longer life.

Know someone who says “you only live once” to justify poor food choices? Share this with them.

What is your opinion on YOLO? 

sunrise symbols

One Sunrise, Two Symbols

It came to me at the moment, during a fairly recent coaching conversation with a client, it’s just something that popped into my head as a way of getting this client to see things differently.

I originally used this analogy with a sunset, however, upon writing this post I decided a sunrise would be more fitting. It is meant to describe that how you see anything is only a product of your own thinking.

This client was talking about something I think all of us can relate to. When they woke up in the morning they saw their day as a “TO-DO” list. Like many of us, this list did not include ourselves. There was no time penciled in for this person to take care of their own needs and joys in life.

I asked how they would like to feel when they wake up in the morning to envision their day and the word “energized” came to their mind. Knowing that nothing outside of us can make us feel any which way towards our day I got on the topic of perspective. “TO-DO’ lists start in our heads as does our obligation to follow through on them. How we see our day when we first wake up in the morning is all in our heads too.

One Sunrise, Two Symbols

Person A (most common)

This person spends a good chunk of their time in their head. It is common for them to get distracted by their thoughts which leads to them forgetting things and getting lost in conversations. Getting things done is what is most important to them. Challenges are seen as problems and quite often as burdens. They are asleep at the wheel of life and don’t even realize it.

Making time for themselves is seen as selfish as that would take precious time from their “to-do” list in order to do so. As soon as they wake up in the morning they take no time for themself and immediately start thinking about their “to-do” list. Feeling overwhelmed first thing in the morning is quite common and they convince themself that this feeling will not go away until the list is complete. Once the list is complete, they start thinking about the next day’s list.

The Symbolism of a Sunrise

Most of the time, when this person wakes up to the morning sunrise they don’t even notice its’ existence.

On the odd day that they do notice the sunrise here’s what it represents to them:

  • Overwhelm
  • An imprisonment to their tasks
  • Another day that will be just like yesterday
  • It’s wasting time looking at the sunrise when they could be doing something

Person B

This person lives in the moment. They rarely get distracted by thoughts about the past or future. Appreciating what is in the present moment is what is most important to them. Each day is seen as a new opportunity that will come with new challenges. Each experience is seen as a learning opportunity. They feel alive to the deepest of their core and fully awake to the presence of life.

Making time for themselves is of the utmost importance as they recognize that the better they show up in the world the greater the impact they will have. They have a “to-do” list but their list does not define their day. They recognize that repeatedly thinking about their “to-do” list will lead to feeling overwhelmed. This allows them to be in the present moment, to not miss out on the beauty of life.

The Symbolism of a Sunrise

When this person wakes up to the morning sunrise here’s what it represents to them:

  • A miracle to be alive
  • A fresh start
  • The beauty of the present moment
  • New opportunities
  • A chance to do something different
All it takes is a little perspective to start your day off just the way you want.
caregiver guilt

How I Learned To Let Go Of Caregiver Guilt

Is your guilt stopping you from being who you want to be in this world? From being the best version of yourself? 

This is the one question you need to ask yourself every single time you feel guilty. When you’re not at your best, you cannot offer your best to others.

Ironically, we seem to think that we are sparing other people’s feelings at our own expense of guilt-tripping ourselves. We then proceed to use that guilt and take it out on ourselves, which then trickles into our every interaction with every living thing, ultimately ending with us being an expression of resentment instead of love.

That guilt and resentment will express themselves as anger and frustration through every single interaction we will ever have, that is until we free ourselves from our guilt.

I Propose 5 Reasons We Feel Guilty

  1. We said or did something that we feel we shouldn’t have.
  2. We didn’t say or do something that we feel we should have.
  3. We are contemplating whether to say or do something that we feel we shouldn’t.
  4. We are contemplating whether to not say or do something that we feel we should.
  5. We are afraid of hurting someone else’s feelings.

Every single reason started with a rule that you made up for yourself and if you dare to break one of these rules you will be sent on a frightening guilt trip.

Keep these in mind as you read on, they are extremely important. You will always fit into one of these categories with your guilt.

Lessons From My Caregiver Guilt

One of the biggest inner challenges I have faced as a cancer caregiver, as have many caregivers, is the tug of war between taking care of myself and taking care of my wife.

The inner battle I used to face on a daily basis was ferocious.

I had no idea where to draw the line between being selfish and selfless. Now I know that both definitions are fluid, made up, and can change according to my thought at the moment.

I could easily argue and find evidence to prove that my past actions were both selfish and selfless. What is indisputable is that I was not the best person I could be for my wife, nor was I who I wanted to be for my wife because of my guilt.

I Gave Up The Gym

I have been a passionate gym goer since I was 16 years old, I absolutely love going to the gym for a good workout. At times, I would go weeks on end without a workout because my wife was not feeling well enough to go to the gym with me. I didn’t want her to feel left out or lesser of a human being due to her illness so I decided to suffer the loss with her.

The gym is not just a vanity thing for me, it is a lifestyle, it is a nourishment for my soul. I did not realize the significance of the gym toward being a better version of myself until I had a paradigm shift, which I will discuss later.

I Gave Up Socializing

I thoroughly enjoy a night out with the boys, friends, and/or family. A few drinks, a bbq, a hockey game, board games, card games, dancing on a rare occasion, and whatever else the night may bring.

At first, I was receiving invites quite frequently, I was turning down nearly every single one. Eventually, I stopped receiving invites due to my frequent “No thank you, I’m going to stay in with Allie”.

She would tell me to go out and have fun and that she will be fine. I know that if she wouldn’t be fine she would be honest with me, so I knew she wasn’t just saying that.

The strange part is, at the time, I thought she was the one making me feel guilty. Now I know that I was the one guilt-tripping myself.

My own thoughts were holding me prisoner to my own guilt, not her.

There were nights when Allie was deathly sick and under no circumstance would I have left her, and there were other nights I felt guilty for leaving her, guilty for having fun when she is at home resting.

I did not give myself permission to still live life and have fun despite our circumstances. I was the one who did not want to go out and have fun while she was staying home to rest. I am the one who felt guilty for leaving her by herself without my company.

Guilt And Resentment

I felt a lot of resentment building up due to ignoring my guilty feelings, but I kept ignoring them time and time again. At the time, I thought the resentment was towards Allie, she was the reason I chose to give up those things in my life after all, or so I thought.

Resentment does not go away by ignoring it over time, you must forgive, learn from it, and consciously choose your path forward.

You can only give to others what you have inside yourself, therefore if you’re full of guilt and resentment you will treat others as an expression of exactly that.

Over time, I started directing this resentment towards Allie and our relationship was in turmoil, almost ending on numerous occasions. Things weren’t getting better as I had hoped, ignoring this resentment only fed it what it needed to grow over time.

Nobody Can Make You Feel Guilty

My paradigm shift was this:

I was not being the person I wanted to be, nor I was not being the person I wanted to be for Allie. I was feeding our relationship more stress than I was love. 

Once I truly saw this and lived it in the moment of my own experience, I finally realized that what I was doing was not working, I had it all backwards, literally. I blamed her when I really was blaming me, I was just projecting this blame outward instead of taking responsibility for my own feelings.

This insight generated new inspiration and motivation to change my actions. I was determined to free myself of my guilty conscience.

One of the insights that rocked my world and turned it upside down is that nobody can make you feel a certain way unless you give them permission. Another way to put this would be:

Your thoughts make you feel the way you do, not other people.

Understanding this and applying it to my every experience is beyond liberating. Once you can get to this point of understanding you will never feel emotionally prisoned to anyone else again. You can never feel guilt-tripped by anyone ever again.

You Can’t Hurt Anyone Else’s Feelings

I find this is a tough one to grasp for a lot of people. However, if you apply the principle from above and turn it around, it will look like this “their thoughts make them feel the way they do, not you”.

Now, this does not excuse you from being completely arrogant or cold-hearted. Use your common sense here.

If you are saying yes to someone, what are you saying no to?

If you are saying no to someone, what are you saying yes to?

For example, in my circumstance regarding not going to the gym thinking I was preserving Allie’s feelings, I was saying yes to thinking I was preserving her feelings and saying no to preserving my own. I was saying yes to offering the expression of guilt and resentment and no to offering the expression of love.

Forgive Yourself And Learn From Your Experiences

Forgiving yourself for whatever it is that you did, and are holding onto your guilt and resentment for, is crucial if you want to move forward into a life of freedom from your past.

Forgive yourself for whatever you’re about to do, you are doing it with your best intentions in mind. You are making a decision based on the quality of your thoughts at the moment. In your mind, you are making a decision to serve the greater good.

It was relatively easy to forgive myself for my actions once I realized I was only doing the best I could with the quality of thoughts I had at the time, if I could have done better I would have. I just had it backward, now I know better.

Chances are, you had it backward too, and now you know better. Remember, be gentle with yourself, you were, or are, just doing the best you can. How do I know? Because if you could do better you would.

I Became Virtually Guilt-Free (And Still Am)

Once I saw that I was not who I wanted to be, and forgave myself for my past actions, I was able to go to the gym again without feeling guilty. If Allie is able to join me that’s a bonus, if she can’t join me that’s great too, I will enjoy my workout and reap all of the benefits from it.

I have also been able to get out and socialize more without feeling guilty. This one was a little tougher to overcome as it meant I would be leaving Allie alone for potentially entire afternoons and evenings.

Sometimes I can feel the guilt creeping back in but I just remind myself that I am doing what I need to do for myself, for Allie, and for the world in order to be the best version of myself.

How You Too Can Become Guilt-Free

The story behind your guilt actually does not matter. Whether you can relate to my story or not,

the source of a guilty feeling is always the same (our thoughts) and the solution to a guilty feeling is always the same (our thoughts), you would not feel guilty without a guilty thought.

You can test this out on any feeling of guilt you have ever had whether it be for eating too much chocolate, cheating on a test, breaking a promise, it really does not matter,

5 Lessons To Becoming Guilt-Free

  1. Our thoughts make us feel the way we do, not other people. Other people’s thoughts make them feel the way they do, not you.
  2. We are not being the best version of ourselves, and therefore not serving ourselves or others to the best of our abilities while we are riddled with guilt.
  3. We must forgive ourselves gently, reminding ourselves that if we could do better we would.
  4. Learn from the experience that led to the guilt. Apply that knowledge moving forward.
  5. Feel the liberation, live from a place of freedom instead of guilt and you will become of greater service to others and transform your life and the lives of others.

Learn from all of your experiences, opportunities are everywhere.

Take care,

Rob Kish
what is forgiveness

Biggest Misconception About Forgiveness – Knowing This Can Free You

Forgiveness is an act of love toward yourself, and freedom from the previously unforgiven.

Forgiveness is arguably the most liberating process you could ever take yourself through. From my experience, forgiveness is also very largely misunderstood, and this misunderstanding seems to keep many people from the freedom they so deeply desire.

By no means am I minimizing the actions that require forgiving through writing this, I am simply conveying a very important understanding that has the potential to shift your current paradigm. If you tend to hold on to grudges or resentments then you probably have a difficult time forgiving others and/or yourself.

Once I understood this huge misunderstanding with my whole being I found myself forgiving actions of others and myself without having to search for books and articles that suggest a myriad of steps to take to be able to forgive. One single shift in your understanding will do that for you.

This misunderstanding is probably preventing YOU from forgiving.

Before you continue, I encourage you to ask yourself what forgiveness means to you, what does it mean to forgive? What does it mean if you have forgiven?

So, what is the biggest misconception about forgiveness?

In my experience, the biggest misconception about forgiveness is that “to forgive is to be okay with the actions you are forgiving”. In other words, if you forgive another then it means that what they did was okay and you are letting them off the hook.

Forgiveness does not mean you agree with the action you are forgiving, it means you are no longer allowing those past actions to hold any more power over you via your thoughts.

Now, if that is not empowering then I don’t know what is!

Imagine pure liberation from all the resentments and grudges you currently hold!

Who would you be if you had nothing and no one left to forgive?

How would you act?

How would you think?

If you don’t completely understand this right away that is ok too. Let this plant the seed, I assure you that your subconscious brain has soaked this up and the light bulb will go off at any given moment in the future.

Learn from all of your experiences, opportunities are everywhere.

Take care,

signature 1

am i a good listener

4 Ways To Know If You’re A Good Listener

What are you listening to? What are you listening for? What are you not listening for? Have you created a story in your head? Are you listening for what you want to hear? Are you listening for what you don’t want to hear? What are you thinking about? You may think you’re truly listening, but are you REALLY?

Fun Fact: We can listen at 400 words per minute yet only speak at 125-175 words per minute

Keep this in mind as you read through as it has great significance for the rest of the article.

1. Are you allowing time for them to pause and reflect before jumping in?

Guilty as charged. I used to be terrible at this, waiting for that momentary pause so I can jump in to express my opinion.

After learning the significance of the pause, and consciously using it as a space for reflection instead of an opportunity to jump in, I noticed the other person would generally relax into that space and speak on thoughts that I would have robbed them from by jumping in.

From observing numerous conversations with others and of others, I would venture to say that this is the most common misunderstanding I witness in communication.

The pause is not a time to jump in, it is a space for conscious reflection and an opportunity for new thought to come through into expression.

2. Are you thinking about what you’re going to say next while the other person is still talking?

The other person is talking away and you are already trying to construct in your head what you would like to say next. While you’re doing this, you are not receiving ALL of the information. The entire time you’re creating your next sentence in your head you are not receiving the other person fully.

Because of the gap between the rate at which we can listen and speak, it is inevitable that your mind will wander at times while listening to another. The difference maker is, how quickly you can catch your mind wandering and bring it back to the present moment.

3. Do you finish peoples’ sentences?

I can’t think of many things that are more annoying than this, can you? I don’t know one single person who enjoys having other people finish their sentences. For whatever reason, many people seem to like to try and prove their artificial competency in mind-reading or superiority.

I know for me when I used to finish people’s sentences I felt more superior in my competence which is what attracted me to do it. I now know that this kills communication and my so-called superiority along with it.

When people are speaking, let them speak! If they appear to be struggling to find a word or put together their next thought, give them space. The worst thing you can do in that situation is to try and attempt to finish what you didn’t give them the chance to.

4. Do you listen beyond the words they speak, to what is unsaid?

This was a tough one for me to grasp at first as I hardly understood what it even meant. I see the same difficulty in others when they hear of it.

Yes, listening for the tone of voice, and watching for body language, are of high importance but I will be speaking on what is beyond even that.

What is beyond the words? Meaning. Meaning goes beyond the obvious, beyond understanding.

Understanding what someone is saying is incomplete if you don’t hear the meaning behind what they are saying.

For example, you can understand when someone tells you they are thinking about filing for a divorce because their spouse cheated on them. You understand their situation, it makes sense, whether you agree with them or not. Now, what is the meaning of what they just told you?

One simple example of a meaning to explore would be: It is obvious they feel betrayed by the evidence of the thought regarding filing for a divorce. However, they have NOT filed for a divorce, it is still only a thought, why? What is the meaning behind this?

This is worth further exploration, and they will be grateful you heard beyond the words they spoke. You can now explore what was unsaid.

Nearly all conversations are not quite this simple as they are many stories and links to be explored and connected. Just remember:

A good listener will explore beyond the obvious, and beyond understanding, to find meaning.

It is also common for people to not say what they mean out of fear, or incomplete thought processing. Someone who listens beyond words will recognize this and ask them to clarify what they meanwhile giving them space.

Can you see now how meaning goes much deeper than understanding?

Are you as good of a listener as you thought you were?

This was a difficult understanding for me to convey so I hope it did the trick.

Learn from all of your experiences, opportunities are everywhere.

Take care,

Rob Kish

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