Resources

Connect

Categories

erik erikson psychological development theory

Rebuttal to Erik Eriksons’ Psychological Development Theory

Working as a coach in the fitness and health industry, one of the most common beliefs that I hear is “I have been working out for X amount of years, I know what I am doing”. This could not be further from the truth. Your experience, not just from the perspective of working out, but from a universal perspective, is not guaranteed to provide you with any knowledge or advantage whatsoever. Let me explain why.

Below is an excerpt from my NLP Master Practitioner training course from a module titled “Psychological Levels Of Development” that will dis-spell the myths of:

  1. Experience = Knowledge, Skills, Awareness
  2. Age = Wisdom

Teachers’ response to my original answer for the module exercise:

” You have quite a comprehensive response to the essay and seem to have invested enormous energy in psychological development. According to the manual “It is easy to understand that a small child of five years of age does not possess the same knowledge, skills, and awareness that a mature adult of 50 has. Between five and 50 years of learning and experience for which there is no substitute. To achieve a similar degree of development as a mature adult, there seems to be no choice but for the child to get through a similar number of years, adding to his experience and awareness along the way.” In other words, a person’s chronological age must be equal to or greater than his or her psychological age. My question is this – would you agree with that statement or not so much? “

My response to her question:

” In response to whether I agree with the logic behind the levels of psychological development not being able to exceed your chronological, I do not agree. It appears that presuppositions have been made to point to the fact that psychological development is absolute and not relative. The 2 main flaws I extracted out of that theory, among many, are:
 

1) I believe it is possible for one to gain 20 yrs of psychological development in say, 10 yrs. This can happen by actively seeking new experiences and avoiding complacency. If you compare that to one who does not actively seek new experiences and remains complacent, it is possible to see how there can be a huge gap in experience over time.

The person who comes home from the same job they have had for years, and sits on the couch for 5 hours to watch t.v will gain very little new experience compared to the person who is acting out in the world learning through various methods and growing as a person and professional.

2) The major presupposition that I feel was largely overlooked is that everyone has actually treated their experiences as an opportunity to learn. Meaning, they have created an awareness of their past experiences, created an objective awareness, and actively sought out to learn and apply their learning, which in turn will create even more new experiences to learn from.

In my opinion, wisdom is only gained from experience if you actually learn from it and apply what you have learned, otherwise you have not grown. I hope that what I have in my mind and what I articulated here come across the same. Thanks for the question, it made me think outside the box a little. “

Whether you agree with me or not on my rebuttal against the psychological development theory, I am sure we can both agree on one thing, and that is learning from your experiences will teach you more than not learning from them.

Are You Learning From Your Experiences?

Learn from all of your experiences, opportunities are everywhere.

Take care,

things to stop saying

Consider These 9 Things To Stop Saying, For Your Own Sake

If you can manage to eliminate these 9 phrases from your vocabulary you will transform your communication forever. There is an underlying theme to these phrases which I will reveal at the end, see if you can figure it out for yourself before you get to the end.

Before you keep reading…

As you go through each phrase, instead of imagining yourself saying it to someone else (which is what most people would do), imagine that you are on the receiving end of the phrase. Most times, when it is you who is the one saying these phrases you don’t see the hidden insinuations you are making or how someone could possibly receive what you are saying, regardless of your “intentions”. So I encourage you to take a few seconds and receive the message as if it is actually being said to you and see what feelings pop up.

“No Problem”

The problem with this phase is that it insinuates that there was a problem in the first place. By assuring someone that it is not a problem communicate to them that you assumed they thought it was a problem in the first place. Next time someone says “thank you” respond by saying “you’re welcome”.

If you don’t quite understand the effects this has, pay more attention to when others respond to you with “no problem” and “you’re welcome”. Analyze how you internalize each response, and in turn, how you feel towards each response. The results may surprise you.

Say Instead: “You’re Welcome”

“That’s Easy For You To Say”

First of all, who said it was easy for them to say, or do what it is they are saying? This phrase typically refers to an action to be taken and this response insinuates that the person you are responding to thinks it is an easy step to take. It is used for insinuating that, although something may be easy or simple for them, it is not easy or simple for you.

I find this is a highly defensive response that people use when they are insecure about their own capabilities or think that the other person is attempting to take advantage of them. The hidden meaning behind this phrase is largely dependent on the context in which it is used.

This phrase also makes a reference to your lack of belief in your own capabilities. For this reason, this is a phrase you will not hear a highly successful person saying.

“I Can’t”

“Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t–you’re right.” – Henry Ford

These two words are arguably the most destructive words you can say. Saying “I can’t” literally means you are stating that whatever it is that you are referring to is IMPOSSIBLE. This leaves you zero chance of accomplishing it.

Say Instead: “I Can”

“I’ll Try”

This phrase is typically used if you fear accountability. By saying this you are giving yourself a way out before you even begin. This way if you don’t do it you are off the hook since you never made the commitment “To Do” it. This converts your focus to the possibility of “not doing” instead of the possibility “of doing”.

Say Instead: “I Will”

“It’s Not A Big Deal”

Anytime you say this to another person you are minimizing whatever it is you are referring to. Nobody likes to have their issues minimized, what they do like is for you to at least try to understand. By minimizing their issue you are also making a loud judgment about them.

Say Instead: Nothing, listen non-judgmentally, be a friend.

“It’s Not My Fault”

This is a typical response from people who don’t take responsibility for themselves. Saying this is an intentional deflection to rid of any possible responsibility for yourself and put it on someone else and you literally add no value to the conversation. Next time, if it truly was not your fault and your actions had zero impact on the situation, try asking how you can help.

“Get Over It”

This appears to be quite the common saying these days. The hidden meaning behind this is similar to “It’s not a big deal” with the addition of a potentially more hurtful meaning. By saying this to someone else you are minimizing the situation and are additionally saying “I don’t care” or “I don’t want to hear any more”.

Say Instead: Nothing, listen non-judgmentally, be a friend.

“If You Love Me, You Would…”

This phrase is a true relationship killer. It is an attempt for the ultimate guilt trip, using life’s most powerful emotion against someone in order to get your own way. It is disgustingly manipulative. Although I don’t believe people realize that or have those exact intentions when they say it, it will have the same impact.

True love is unconditional and saying this adds a condition to the other person’s love. In addition to that, to what extent someone will go for someone they love is entirely subjective, and purely your own opinion. What you are asking them to do if they love you is not a universal rule that all people who love another must, and will do what you’re asking if they love you.

Say Instead: Nothing, listen non-judgmentally, be a friend.

“Whatever”

You may as well say what you really mean, which is “I care, but I am going to act like I don’t by telling you I don’t care because I don’t want you to think that I care” or “my ego has been hurt so please stop talking”.

The Common Theme

Each one of these phrases comes with hidden insinuations that have a negative incantation to them.

Do you know any other phrases that deserve to be on this list?

Please share in the comments below!

how to stop emotional eating

How To Stop Emotional Eating And Food Cravings

Let’s face it, we’ve all been there, that mid-afternoon craving, the dinners that aren’t complete without a sweet finish, the late evening crunch, and the uncontrollable urge to fill cravings when stress takes over your life. This can also be applied to alcohol for those of you who are constantly tempted by that ice-cold beer or a soothing glass of wine. 

It is not the act of eating or drinking alcohol that is the issue of discussion, it is the reasoning behind those actions. Since if you are not eating or drinking for any other reason except a feeble attempt to elicit a feeling that you perceive as more positive or beneficial than what you currently feel, THAT is the problem. 

Given that we are dealing with emotions here, your emotional distress may go very deep for some of you. This may take weeks, or possibly months of active re-conditioning to really take back control, while others may come to an abrupt end after having created a massive paradigm shift in the mind. Putting a stop to emotional eating or food cravings is not a quick fix, it takes a keen understanding, a conviction to change, and daily conscious reinforcement. 

Hunger vs Cravings 

Understanding the difference between true hunger and an emotional food craving is absolutely pivotal to your long-term success towards eating intuitively. Most people that are emotional eaters have little to no distinction between the two. 

Follow the next step to help decipher between the two. 

 How To Control Emotional Eating With A Journal 

Logging your cravings into a journal is an amazing way to start understanding how your emotions and habits affect your cravings. You can really start to decipher between emotional cravings and true hunger by using this tool. 

Keeping a journal will encourage you to explore your thoughts, emotions, habits, and relationship with food in a way you have never done before. 

I highly recommend you journal for a minimum of 2 weeks. This allows enough time for patterns to emerge. Nearly all of our daily actions can be traced back to a certain pattern. Once you are aware of the pattern, your brain picks up on this. 

FREE JOURNAL DOWNLOAD 

 How To Control Emotional Eating Without Eating  

Emotional eaters use food in an attempt to elicit a certain emotion they would like to experience. This is why it is paramount to log your cravings in order to understand what those emotions are. This will bring awareness to what you were previously oblivious to. If you haven’t already, download the journal from the link above, this will make much more sense when you take a look at the journal.

Common emotions that trigger emotional eating: 

  • Despair 
  • Boredom 
  • Sadness 
  • Unworthiness 
  • Frustration (common from work stress) 
  • Fear 
  • Reward Based 

One major flaw with using food in an attempt to re-balance your emotional state (beyond the obvious of adding numerous empty calories) is that any positive feelings that may arise from your emotional binge are TEMPORARY!  

What happens an hour later when the high wears off and you go right back into that same undesired emotional state? Since you haven’t any other way to elicit the emotion you striving for other than stuffing your face with food, you will repeat the same pattern. 

 Breaking The Emotional Eating Pattern 

 STEP 1 – Get Leverage 

The first thing you need to do is get real with yourself.  Write down all the ways that your current emotional eating pattern will cause you misery in the future when it comes to your health, relationships, self-image, career, and any other area of your life that will be affected. Don’t beat around the bush, and don’t butter it up. If you think your current pattern has the potential to take 20 years off your life then write it down! BE REAL! 

If you do not get enough leverage on yourself you will not succeed. If you do not feel a compelling motivation to change the instant after you read what you wrote down then you do not have enough leverage on yourself. In other words, you need a stronger reason to inflict change. 

 STEP 2 – Replace The Pattern 

Write down 15 things (or more) you can do that will generate the desired emotions you discovered from your food log. None of these things can include eating ANYTHING! Sure, you can cook, as cooking is a fantastic therapy for many people. Don’t be eating your delicious meal as your cooking it though! And no, baking a sugar-filled dessert does not count! Cook a meal that will add years to your life, not take them off. 

Spontaneous Outcomes

This strategy relies on breaking the pattern through rearranging certain tendencies, or habits. For example, if you have a tendency to stay up late, say 1 hour later than you would like to go to bed, and this also tends to be a time when you do much of your late-night snacking, simply go to bed 1 hour earlier. By doing this you will effectively break the current pattern of associating snacking within that specific hour prior to bed, and an association with whatever you typically do within that hour before bed. If you completely eliminate both triggers then there is nothing left to associate late-night snacking with.

You can apply this strategy to any other evening tasks that are part of your ritual such as when you eat dinner, when you shower, when you watch t.v when you call your mother when you walk the dog when you go to the gym etc. Completely re-arrange when you do all these things, mix it all up, it will throw your mind for a loop, wondering what you’re doing in the shower when you are typically watching t.v and snacking at that time. There is a good chance the craving will pass since you broke your evening ritual pattern.

The way this works is you are taking advantage of the fact that humans are creatures of habits and patterns, and manipulating this to your advantage.

This is such a simple strategy that it can easily be overlooked. It is extremely powerful and so easy to implement!

How To Stop Emotional Eating Through Extreme Measures 

Before reading ahead, you must understand that what I am about to discuss is not for the faint of heart. It is a drastic attempt to kick a particular food from your diet for good. It has the ability to be highly effective if putting an end to your emotional, and even habitual eating habits for good. 

 The 24 Hour Strategy  

The strategy here is actually very simple, you may even chuckle after you read it wondering if this guy is actually serious. 

Let’s say chocolate is the bane of your existence and you must kick it from your diet for good. Buy all of your favourite chocolates, if it’s just one then buy 1 kind if you have 5 different favourites buy all 5. Make sure you buy more than enough to supply yourself as the only food you will be eating for 24 hrs. 

Yes, that is right, eat those chocolates (or whatever food it is you’re trying to kick) for 24 hours straight. You are allowed no other food. You will get sick (literally) of your chosen food by the time those 24 hours are up. 

The Premise Behind This Strategy  

Most people can relate to this: Is there a certain food you cannot eat anymore because you have gotten sick off of it at one time? Maybe it was food poisoning, maybe you had the flu, maybe you drank too much alcohol, etc. The reasoning doesn’t necessarily matter, because your brain associates being nauseated with this particular food it has been conditioned to reject even the mere thought of it. 

Your brain is currently wired to gain pleasure from eating your chosen food. The objective of this strategy is to rewire your brain to associate disgust with your chosen food. 

 Exercise is A Strategy – And It Biochemically Changes You 

If you exercise or have exercised in the past, and you are mindful of your reactions post-exercise you will notice a significant reduction or elimination of cravings. This effect can last the entire day if you work out in the morning. 

For those people who tend to reward themselves after meals or are late-night snackers, go for a 10-minute brisk walk and watch your craving disappear into thin air. 

Exercise has been shown to reduce Cortisol (our stress hormone), increase Dopamine and Serotonin (which is why you feel great after a workout), and improve insulin sensitivity (which will stabilize your blood sugar levels). If you have unstable blood sugar due to a lack of insulin sensitivity, which is the gateway to Diabetes, you will tend to crave after your blood sugar drops rapidly. 

 Meditation Is A Strategy – It Also Biochemically Changes You 

Meditation is gaining a very strong evidence-base towards its’ positive effects on the brain. One of the most notable effects is the ability of meditation to significantly reduce stress and change our state very rapidly. 

The rapid change of state can instantly reduce your stress, and in turn, reduce your stress hormone Cortisol and raise your feel-good hormones Dopamine and Serotonin.  

A great time to do a quick meditation is immediately after arriving home from work. This is typically when stress levels are at their highest and can last well into the evening affecting your quality of sleep. 

For those of you who have never tried meditation, there is a fantastic app that you can use for free to guide you along the way. The app is called InsightTimer, you can click on the link below to download it for free. 

Download: InsightTimer

 And Remember…

You Must Take Action! 

Good Luck! 

 If you have any questions feel free to contact me, I would love to help you out!

awaken the giant within workbook

Awaken The Giant Within Workbook PDF

Awaken The Giant Within by Tony Robbins is one of my favourite personal development books. The information provided by Tony is truly life-changing IF you actually apply it. Without applying the education on yourself, you don’t change, the book sits on your shelf collecting dust, and you missed out on a life-changing opportunity. The amount you learn about yourself by doing the exercises within the book is mesmerizing.

This is why I took the time to type up, and neatly organize every single exercise from the book into a much-needed companion to the book itself. Below is the download to the workbook, do the exercises, they will change your life forever trust me! If you have yet to purchase the book you may do so HERE.

 

Buy on Amazon:

Awaken The Giant Within

Download the Workbook:

awaken the giant within workbook

Awaken The Giant Within Workbook PDF

how to reduce stress

How To Reduce Stress Levels Instantly

Stress is the #1 cause of disease and an epidemic in its’ own right. Money (and anything related to this currency) and time (not enough) are probably the 2 largest contributors towards influencing people’s perceived stress levels today.

Stress is also the #1 contributor to today’s astronomically high divorce rate. You can argue that money is the #1 contributor, and that wouldn’t be false. What is the by-product of the negative connotation that money brings in this relationship that it destroys? STRESS!

Before you continue reading I want you to understand that the information I will be provided in this article is NOT a long-term solution for solving your stress “problem”. I will be providing ways to achieve immediate relief from your perceived stressors, which if implemented consistently, in the long run, can play a major role in the long-term solution.

You must understand this first…we create our own stress.

2 Effective Ways To Obliterate Stress Instantly

I will be touching on 2 effective ways to completely obliterate your stress on the spot. I can attest to their effectiveness and each strategy is nothing short of life-changing I can assure you. Neither is easy to do and must be practiced daily on even the most minute stressors.

These 2 ways are:

  1. Changing your perception/Reframing
  2. Mindfulness

These are definitely not the only 2 ways to reduce stress levels immediately, they are the only 2 I will be touching on in this article. I chose these 2 strategies based on personal experience, as I have used them on myself and others with outstanding results.

How To Reduce Stress By Changing Your Perception

I know, you might be thinking…

“NO F*cking way, this happened to me, that happened to me, this person did this to me, that person said that to me, THESE ARE ALL THE THINGS THAT ARE CAUSING MY STRESS NOT ME!”

I hate to break it to ya, it is not the circumstances of your life that cause your stress, it is your perception of those circumstances that cause your stress. Within that perception, you develop the meaning you have given to each circumstance.

So long as you remain a victim of circumstance, you will be a prisoner of your own mind

Example:

(In this example I will use one of my clients. For sake of privacy I will name the lady June and leave the event nameless)

June and her husband created a special event to gather more awareness of a specific topic. The purpose of this event was not to make money, and solely for awareness. The couple had worked tirelessly on creating this special event, putting in countless hours, and funded it with their own money.

The couple had just hosted their 2nd annual event. The turnout was good considering the poor weather, as the event was hosted outdoors. During the event, one of their trusted board members approached them with some sour news. This board member informed them that another board member is conspiring against them.

The plan was to hijack the event, and ultimately steal the rights to it. There was much effort put into the hijacking and was planned months prior. Without the act of the one board member who fed June this information, the hijacking probably would have been a success.

June and her husband are now in an ongoing legal battle with the hijacker,  in order to ensure rights to the event they had created from scratch.

Junes’ perception of the event: It was a personal attack

June took the attempted hijacking as a personal attack against her, as a person.

Can you imagine how much stress that would inflict on you to take the majority of your unfortunate circumstances personally? To make the entire situation about YOU?

How a shift in perception brought June immediate stress relief

June’s New Perception: The attempted hijacking is actually a compliment

How is that horrible action a compliment you may ask? June created such a phenomenal event that someone actually put their reputation on the line in an attempt to steal it from her. People don’t do that unless what they are going after is worth their own reputation.

Nothing in life has any meaning except the meaning we give it

Anthony Robbins

How the power of questions changed June’s perception:

Question: “Why would anyone ever want to steal an event from someone?”

Answer: “Because they want to own it for themselves”

Question: “And why would they want to own the event for themselves?”

Answer: “Because they see potential in it, they see value in it, maybe they envy it because they don’t believe they can create such a phenomenal event, and need to steal it from someone else, maybe they saw all the hard work has been done and want to now ride the wave of success?”

Question: “Why would someone put their entire reputation on the line in an attempt to steal something that is not theirs?”

Answer: “Because they see enormous value in it”

Question: “Who created this enormous value from scratch?”

Answer: “June did. Congratulations to June, as she just created an event so phenomenal that someone was willing to put their entire reputation on the line for it. Trying to hijack it was their way of complimenting you on creating such enormous value.”

2 Questions you can ask yourself to get curious:

  1. What else could this mean?
  2. If I had to find something positive about this what would it be?

Practice Reframing By Using Past Unwanted Circumstances

Get a piece of paper and write down this exercise:

  1. Choose a situation from your past that still brings unwanted emotions when you think about it
  2. Ask yourself the 2 questions above to get yourself curious
  3. Write down all the answers you can come up with, the more answers the better

Practice this with as many unwanted experiences from your past as you can. The more you practice, the more you train your new thought patterns, and you end up breaking your old thought patterns that have created much of your unwanted stress in the past.

How To Reduce Stress With Mindfulness

For those who are unaware, mindfulness means being fully immersed in the present moment. Your mind is not anywhere else except being aware of the very moment you are in at any given time. Mindfulness provides immediate stress relief due to the simplicity of being in the present moment.

How does this happen? Stress is caused by thoughts about either the past or the future. Thoughts, and therefore stress cannot exist when we are immersed in, and fully aware of the present moment.

This sounds so simple, yet the majority of people struggle with being mindful. The main cause for this is not being aware of being aware, this awareness is what many spiritual experts call the “witness” or “impartial spectator”.

In order to catch yourself in thought, you must first be aware that you are thinking. Without this awareness, mindfulness will not happen very often for you, and you will live mindlessly, and the chronic stress will continue to eat away at you.

You cannot be both unhappy and fully present in the Now.

Eckhart Tolle

Develop A Trigger For Your Awareness

When you are thinking and acting mindlessly, you must have a trigger that brings you back to the present moment. A trigger that will bring awareness to the “witness” or “impartial spectator”.

Examples of Triggers:

  • Focusing on, and taking a deep breath
  • Wearing an elastic band on your wrist and snapping it
  • Focusing on a specific colour
  • Focus on 1 of your 5 senses
  • Pinch yourself

Your trigger can literally be anything, do what works best for you. Try different triggers and choose one that resonates with you. Start off by using the trigger any time you catch yourself experiencing an emotion you don’t want to feel and bring yourself back to the present moment.

Taking Action And Adjusting Expectations

I completely understand how difficult can be to implement either one of these strategies. It may get frustrating at times, you may feel like you aren’t making any progress, but as long as you are doing your best to implement the change then you are making progress.

Adjust your expectations so that no matter the outcome, you win. If you establish an expectation that it will be easy to implement one of these strategies and that it will work immediately then you are setting yourself up for major frustrations.

Establish the expectation that you will give 100% effort every time, regardless of the outcome, and you will win.

Start small and practice each strategy daily. Eventually, both strategies will become an unconscious act, and your life will change forever, as did mine. Repetition is key!

If you have any experience with either of these strategies please let everyone know in the comments below!

the word should

Are You ‘Shoulding’ All Over Yourself or Others?

General Insinuation of The Word “Should” – A judgement toward acting otherwise

The word “should” is the ultimate judge and jury of words. It has the power to create, and the power to destroy. This is one word you MUST master.

In my experience, “should” is one of the most powerful words that one can say. The impact is not as immediate as cursing, or racial slurring, it has a more subtle, yet profound impact. This is what makes this word even more dangerous, it can slowly suck the life out of you, and/or others when used improperly. It can also breathe life back into you, and/or others when used advantageously.

First, you must be aware of every single moment you use the word “should”. Without awareness, this word can have astronomical influences on your subconscious mind. This then leads to emotions, and behaviours that may be empowering, or dis-empowering you.

Destroying Your Relationship With Yourself

For you to say to yourself that you should do something, really means you won’t do it, although you think it is in your best interest to do so. When using this word during your self-talk, shit will never get done. “Ya, I should put in more effort in at work to get that promotion, and ultimately make more money (but I won’t)”.

Talking to yourself like this breeds complacency. Imagine if you actually accomplished all of your current “shoulds” in life? Where would you be? What would you be doing? Who would you be?

Not following through on your “shoulds” in life will eat away at your own self-image. Over time, as each “should” compounds on each other, you start to view yourself as irresponsible, a procrastinator, and someone whose dreams will never become a reality because you NEVER follow through! This will slowly destroy your relationship with yourself, as you wallow in self-pity for not living the life you know, deep down, you were brought to this earth to live.

The solution to you shoulding all over yourself is to turn your shoulds into MUSTS. Most people will go to great lengths to ensure they preserve their identity, and going back on their word negatively alters their identity. Next time you catch yourself saying you “should” do something, turn that should into a MUST and watch what happens.

Telling Yourself How You “Should” or “Shouldn’t” Feel:

“You shouldn’t feel this way” or “You should feel this way instead” – Sound familiar?

The outcome of telling yourself this is one of resentment towards yourself for feeling the way you do. You are allowed to feel however you want, always remember that. How you respond to those emotions is ultimately what matters most.

This is where having a strong Emotional Intelligence comes in. Learning how to change how you feel in an instant is one of the most powerful tools you can learn. For this to happen though, you must accept your current state of mind. Telling yourself that you “should” or “shouldn’t” feel a certain way stems from non-acceptance.

Destroying Your Relationship With Others

Imagine you decided to do something nice for your spouse (or anyone for that matter), a little out of the ordinary. You are feeling really good about it, even proud of yourself for the accomplishment. When they find out what it is you did for them they say “Thank you very much, but you should have done it like this.” How would that make you feel? Probably like your efforts weren’t acknowledged, and your way of doing wasn’t good enough because you “should” have done it their way?

They have made a judgement that your way is inferior to their way, and they would have preferred it their way. How does it make you feel to know your result was undermined and unpreferred in comparison to theirs? Like they are ungrateful for your efforts? How do you think you are going to behave towards this person in the future after this incident? Will you think twice about going out of your way in an attempt to contribute to their happiness? Feels shitty, doesn’t it? Can you see how this will slowly destroy relationships over time?

So remember this, next time you are about to tell someone they “should”, most of the time this is the meaning they will extract from your words and feel the exact same way you just felt!

 Telling Others How They “Should” or “Shouldn’t” Feel:

“You should be happy I did this for you” or “You shouldn’t get upset over something so small”

Telling someone how they “should” or “shouldn’t” feel is really a slap in the face. I got news for you, people are allowed to feel however they want to feel. If you don’t like how someone is feeling that is YOUR problem.

This is something that happens all the time! I used to have a terrible habit of doing this, and have witnessed how it weakens relationships. I witness other people doing this extremely often. They don’t even understand how damaging those words are.

Think back to a time when you were feeling a certain way and you were told that you “should or “shouldn’t” feel a certain way? How does that make you feel? Angry? Resentful? You probably ask yourself “who the fuck do they think they are? I can feel however I want to feel at any given moment!”

The Ultimate Example – Bereavement

Western society has been conditioned to mourn the loss of someone, typically for weeks, months, and sometimes years. If we are not upset enough, according to our own beliefs (or others), we must not care. Not all cultures respond this way to death, as different beliefs breed different responses.

We have been conditioned to a point where if we even have the smallest thought of enjoying being alive while we “should” be grieving, we condemn ourselves.

If we see someone post a picture on social media, and they are all smiles, only 3 days after losing a loved one, what is a typical judgement (whether said out loud or thought)? “How can this person smile right now? They shouldn’t be out having fun, they just lost someone close to them! They should be sad, they should be miserable, do they care about what just happened?”

Instead of this meaning that they don’t care, ask yourself, what else could this mean? Here are some ideas:

  • They have grown a new appreciation for being alive, and are eternally grateful for life
  • They have different beliefs than you
  • They know how to make themselves happy when they want to, regardless of circumstance, and maybe what you’re really feeling is envy because you can’t do that if you wanted to
  • They were thinking of all the great memories with that person, instead of all the regrets and all the “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts” of their past with this person (which is what many people do)

Turning The Tide

Utilizing “Should” For Self-Realization And Achieving Dreams

Although the word “should” gets condemned, typically because of the judge-mental context it implies, this same context can be used to empower yourself, or others, if used wisely. It is okay to judge yourself if done for the purpose of moving toward self-actualization and away from self-deception.

4 Empowering Questions That Use The Word “Should”

  1. What “should” you be doing in your life that you are not currently doing?
  2. What are you doing in your life currently that you know you “should” not be doing?
  3. What “should” you know about yourself that you tell yourself you do not know?
  4. How “should” you use this information to achieve your dreams?

The power of each of these questions is that they presuppose that you already know the answer to the “shoulds”. Utilizing “should” in this manner can create breakthroughs and break down any walls of self-deception. If you actually follow through on answering these questions, you will understand that you have been limiting yourself, telling yourself a story, and deceiving yourself. Relieving yourself from these limitations and lies will take your down a road of fulfilling your potential, self-actualization.

Try This

For the next week, be aware of any time you think the word should, you say the word should, and hear the word should from others. Pay attention to how you feel when it happens. Were the feelings empowering or disempowering? How else could the same thought or words have been said, without judgement?

30 days of meditation review

Short Review On My First 30 Days Of Meditation

30 Day Meditation Review

MEDITATION HAS CHANGED MY LIFE!

I am excited to say that I have completed my first 30 days of meditation, without missing a day! Saying that meditation has changed my life is not an exaggeration, no other habit that I have adopted in the past has even come close to the positive impact meditation has had on my life.

I am, by no means, a meditation expert, quite the opposite actually. I am a beginner, with much to learn. Please keep that in mind as you read the rest of the review. I am not advocating anything I have learned to be the best way or the only way to do things, it is what I have found to work best for me.

Insight timer – my source for guided meditations

Insight Timer is the best meditation app available for your phone or tablet, hands down. Its’ only competition comes from 2 other apps: Headspace and Calm. Both of these apps offer a free option, which is EXTREMELY LIMITED on both apps. To really take full advantage of each app you will need to pay.

At the time of writing this review, Insight Timer has 4695 free meditations.

My Daily Gratitude Meditation Routine

Why did I make a commitment to daily gratitude?

I made a commitment to a daily morning gratitude meditation, as I had a bad habit of taking things for granted.

What was I hoping to gain from this?

I was hoping to gain a greater appreciation and sense of gratitude for all that’s part of my life, including the small things I typically overlook or take for granted, and the perceived negatives in my life.

Did I gain what I hoped I would?

I can confidently say yes. Not 100% and I did not expect a complete overhaul in 30 days, I did notice a remarkable difference in appreciating the little things much more often.

Every morning, the first thing I am thankful for, without fail, is being alive that day. The second thing I am thankful for every morning, without fail, is that Allie is alive that day. I do not force these thoughts, I let them come to me naturally, and they are always the first 2 thoughts in my head to be grateful for.

This daily gratitude influenced me to appreciate each day as it was, without wanting to live in the past or the future.

The 3 Gratitude Meditations I Resonated Most With (All From Insight Timer):

In order from most favourite to least.

  1. Peaceful and Relaxed: Gratitude Meditation by Melissa Dormoy
    A perfectly blended combination on mindfulness, gratitude, and self-empowering visualization. The visualization is what I like best about this meditation, it really sets the tone for my day. There is a good amount of silence to allow for reflection.
  2. Morning Ritual by The Meditation House
    A blended combination of mindfulness, gratitude, and intentions for the day. This is a great meditation if you woke up on the wrong side of the bed.
  3. Gratitude Reflection by Tony Brady
    A blended combination of mindfulness and gratitude. Not much silence, and much more emphasis on gratitude leaving much less time for reflection.

My Daily Evening Meditation

I did not have a set plan for my evening meditation. Below are the 3 different meditation series I used.

The 3 Evening Meditations I Used (All From Insight Timer):

In order from most favourite to least.

  1. Surrender by Michelle Zarrin
    This was a 15-day series that started with 11 minutes of meditation and ended at 25 minutes. I had my breakthrough on the 15th day of this series, in which I outline in my post Day 26. I really enjoyed the progressive amount of silence as the days went on. Her voice is extremely soothing. I will definitely be using Day 15 of her series in the future.
  2. Gratitude by Michelle Zarrin
    This was a 10-day series that started with 11 minutes of meditation and ends with 20 minutes. I was only on day 4 by my 30th day of meditation, as this was the last of the 3 meditations I started. A fantastic approach to gratitude. Each day brings a new aspect of life to focus gratitude towards. This can bring plenty of emotions up if you are not experienced with much meditation, or are someone who avoids their emotions or hardships.
  3. Seated Mindfulness by Palouse Mindfulness
    This was a basic mindfulness meditation, done seated, great for beginners. I am very glad I started with this before moving into the other 2 meditations. I got frustrated numerous times during these meditations, so I couldn’t imagine meditating to Michelle Zarrin’s meditations without experiencing this one first. I learned the basics of being aware of thoughts and being non-judging towards them, very grateful for that.

The Progress Of My Meditation Quality

I distinctly remember experiencing much frustration and anxiousness during the first couple of weeks of consistent meditation. This gradually subsided over the last 2 weeks, progressing to my best day of the entire 30 days on Day 26.

If I were to rate my quality on a scale of 1-10 from Day 1 to Day 30, it would be a quality of 1 on Day 1 and a quality of 7 by Day 30.

What I learned about my meditation practice

My number one takeaway from these first 30 days was not to try and force my mind to go where I want it to. Once I learned to let it be, as is, with awareness, my meditation went to another level.

Forcing myself to try and think about nothing led to a continuous cycle of overthinking about nothing. Thinking about not thinking, how ironic. I have heard many times to be the watcher of your thoughts, be aware of your thoughts, WITHOUT JUDGEMENT. Let them come and go, without immersing yourself in them. Easier said than done that’s for sure.

What else I learned:

  • Consistency is key
  • Meditating while I am fatigued is not very effective, although any meditation IS better than no meditation

How meditation has changed me over the past 30 Days

  • I only reached a point of “anger” or “frustration” once over the past 30 days
  • I am much more grateful for being alive
  • I am more grateful for the people who truly care about me
  • I am exponentially more aware of my thoughts and emotions, and where they came from
  • My thoughts have much more clarity
  • I have learned what being aware of being aware really feels like, and what it means
  • I am much less emotionally driven
  • I can make much more sense of the emotions I feel
  • I had powerful thoughts come to me that I truly do not feel would have come to me otherwise
  • I feel more at one with the world
  • I feel much more serene on a daily
  • I am much less forgetful, and am aware of living in the moment more often
  • I experience much less conflict with my ego, and making decisions more intuitively
  • I used to think our cat is annoying, I’d get really frustrated when she would meow at midnight until the cows come home. I would neglect her and rarely express love for her because of this. Now, I actually feel much love for her. I feel a bond, a sure sign that I am becoming love with the universe.

Wow! Not so short after all! 1200 words later…I got a little carried away it seems. I didn’t want to leave anything out, so if you made it this far, thanks for reading my “short” review on my first 30 days of meditation, and I truly hope you enjoyed it.

What is your experience with meditation?

best sleep supplements

5 Best Natural Sleep Supplements To Help You Sleep Like A Baby

Having worked with numerous people over the years, poor sleep habits has been one of the most common struggles among all my clients. Getting 7-8 hours of QUALITY sleep is imperative for your health. There is a seemingly endless list of health issues that can root from poor quality sleep.

Keep in mind, supplementation is exactly that, an assistance to the primary method of achievement. These supplements are not solutions to your problem. They to be used in conjunction with your primary plan to resolve your sleep issues, while your plan catches traction.

The most common reasons for sleep issues are:

  • Nutritional deficiencies
  • Generally poor diet, leading to a host of inconsistencies
  • Hormone imbalances
  • Stress
  • Alcohol consumption
  • Poor evening ritual
  • Caffeine intake
  • Not sleeping in complete darkness

The underlying causes for your sleep issues NEED to be addressed if you truly want to cure yourself.

Below is a list of the 5 best natural sleep supplements I have compiled through anecdotal observations from myself, and others, as well as research.

Best Natural Sleep Supplements For Getting To Sleep

Rescue Remedy Night Spray

rescue remedy

Ingredients: 

White Chestnut: To help ease the restless mind.
Star of Bethlehem: For trauma and shock.
Clematis: For the tendency to “pass out”, and unconsciousness, being ‘far away’ and not present mentally.
Cherry Plum: Fear of mind giving way, verge of breakdown, anger.
Impatiens: For irritability, tension and fidgety.
Rock Rose: For frozen terror and panic.

Pros:

  • Extremely convenient being a spray oppose to a pill. All you have to do is roll over, grab it off your nightstand, and spray on your tongue. Taking a pill would require you to sit up, grab some water, and gulp down a pill. This action alone can kick you out of your trance, into a fully awake state.

Cons: 

  • The taste doesn’t personally bother me, most people do make comments regarding the poor taste.

Recommended Dosage: The dose recommended by Bach is 1-2 sprays prior to sleep. My personal recommendation, based on anecdotal evidence, is 2-5 sprays.

BUY NOW

Magnesium

sleep supplements

Magnesium is involved in over 300 chemical processes in the body. Most people are deficient in magnesium for 3 main reasons: our soils are depleted of nutrients, foods high in magnesium are not eaten enough, and foods are eaten that deplete magnesium.

The form of magnesium DOES MATTER. You must ingest a highly absorbable form of magnesium to reap the benefits. The best forms of oral magnesium are citrate, taurate, malate, glycinate, and carbonate. Magnesium chloride has arguably the highest bio-availability of all forms of magnesium. It is absorbed topically, used in gels and oils. Magnesium chloride is the reason Epsom salts work so well so ease muscle tension and promote relaxation.

I recommend Natural Calm by Natural Vitality. They use only the most bio-available forms of magnesium, in powders, convenient packets,  and topical gels and oils.

Recommended Dosage: 600-800 mg 30-45 min prior to sleep

Possible Side Effects: laxative effect, upset stomach

BUY NOW

Valerian Root

Now Valerian Root

Valerian has been commonly used in Europe and Asia to treat anxiety and insomnia for years. Studies have shown promising results in using Valerian for insomnia, and somewhat mixed results for anxiety. Being a herbal extract. the quality of the extract plays a vital role in its’ effectiveness.

My personal, anecdotal evidence regarding Valerian, from myself and others, has been that it helps more with promoting relaxation and sleep than it does with the quality of sleep. There are studies that have shown it improved quality of sleep, I would say the jury is still out.

Possible Side effects: Valerian usually causes no side effects. However, it will likely cause sedation. Some people feel a “hangover” after taking valerian. It may also cause a headache, upset stomach, uneasiness, irregular heartbeat, or other symptoms.

I recommend the brands NOW or Nature’s Way for your Valerian supplement. Both trustworthy brands.

BUY NOW

Best Natural Sleep Supplements For Sleep Quality

 

Gaba

Now Gaba

Gamma-aminobutyric acid (GABA), an amino acid, is the major inhibitory neurotransmitter in your central nervous system (CNS). That is, your body uses GABA to dampen nerve activity in your brain, which leads to feelings of calm and relaxation. Research has shown that insomniacs may have low levels of GABA.

Through my personal experience with GABA, and experiences of others, GABA appears to be more effective at providing a better quality of sleep and reducing the number of wake ups throughout the night. I, and others have also noticed a slight relaxation effect from it as well.

Dosage: 1-3 grams 20 min prior to sleep. I recommend powder form for cost-effectiveness.

Possible Side Effects: Slight breathlessness has been reported, which I have actually experienced myself. This lasts roughly 10-15 seconds and is completely harmless. This is most likely due to its’ initial effects on the nerves.

BUY NOW

Phosphatidyl Serine

Now Phosphatidyl Serine

Phosphatidyl Serine (PS) is a lipid found in our body’s cell membranes. PS has been shown to be quite effective at reducing cortisol levels in the body. Elevated evening cortisol, typically due to stress or poor nutrition, will promote wakefulness, and keep you up to the wee hours of the night.

Similar to GABA, PS may provide you a better quality sleep, as well as help you get to sleep faster. Both have been shown in studies, and anecdotal evidence from myself, and others coincides with these findings.

It is best to opt for Phosphatidyl Serine that is not Soy-based, as it poses GMO issues.

Dosage: 300-400 mgs  4 hrs prior to sleep, and another 300-400 mgs 30-60 min prior to sleep. This is my personal recommendation, as more research is needed on dosages. Don’t take for more than 4 weeks straight.

Possible Side Effects: Upset stomach, gas

BUY NOW

 

What about Melatonin?

Isn’t it one of the best natural sleep supplements?

Melatonin, secreted by the pineal gland, is the messenger that announces bedtime to our brains. Darkness stimulates its release into the bloodstream; light inhibits it.

Dosage Issue: It has been concluded that the appropriate dose for Melatonin ranges from 0.3 mg – 1 mg, to mimic our bodies’ natural production. Unfortunately, most melatonin supplements are sold 3-10 times the recommended dose, this is complete overkill. Being a hormone, this can come with grave consequences such as abdominal discomfort, mild anxiety, irritability, confusion, short-lasting feelings of depression, next-day grogginess, and hormone irregularities.

It’s a Hormone: Being a hormone, Melatonin may reduce the bodies’ natural production over time and exacerbate the very problem you are trying to use Melatonin to assist you with.

Melatonin is a sleep and body clock regulator – NOT a sleep initiator. Despite what experiences you say you might have had, or heard of, they were most likely placebo, or the results were due to other unidentified factors.

On top of all that, Melatonin has not even been proven effective for improving insomnia!

Have you tried any of these natural sleep supplements?

What were your experiences?

Are there any natural sleep supplements not on the list that you feel deserve attention?

30 days of meditation review

About My 365 Meditation Journey And Why I Am Doing This

I was ignorant toward meditation

If you had asked me not too far in my distant past what I thought about meditation I would have been ignorant towards it. I would have associated it with religion, and the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie, when the four Ninja Turtles are meditating around the fire, and they started communicating with the spirit of Splinter, their master. Meditation appeared to be some hocus-pocus, mumbo-jumbo, that I thought only the weirdest of human beings practiced.

My paradigm shift – Dying To Be Me

I have had a significant paradigm shift since then. The shift happened in late 2016 after reading Anita Moorjani’s incredible book called Dying To Be Me. For those who are unaware, Anita clinically died from Lymphoma, went to another realm, had an out-of-body experience, had a choice whether to stay in the other realm or come back to earth.

She talks about her new perspective on life in the 2nd half of the book, which is the most fascinating perspective on life that I had ever heard from anyone, I didn’t know the world could be seen that way. It sparked something inside of me.

Since then, I have been on a keen path to developing a similar perspective on life as Anita. I knew this wasn’t going to be easy. There are many more paradigm shifts that will need to happen, I will need to let go of long-held beliefs and emotional baggage. One thing she mentioned quite a bit was being present, at the moment, connected to the universe, and being love.

Reading this book helped me realize how mindless I was being

As I reflected on my own life throughout the book, I came to realize that I lived most of my life in either the past or the future. Constantly thinking, mindlessly, about past events, stirring up old emotions, or trying to predict the future, creating emotions around events that haven’t even happened yet. I was living like the majority of people in this world, not really living, but mindlessly doing. I wanted to start being, not doing.

Signs that you are not living mindfully, in the present moment:

  • forgetfulness
  • irritation/frustration
  • daydreaming
  • rushing your meals
  • road rage
  • poor decision making
  • not acknowledging your 5 senses
  • poor listening habits
  • automated responses to people

Being aware of being aware?

One of the first steps on my journey to oneness, a universal connection, was having a strong ability to become present in the NOW, this present moment. This goal brought me to my next 2 books: The Power of NOW by Eckhart Tolle and Mindfulness For Beginners by John Kabat-Zinn. The big takeaway from reading these 2 great books was that

immersive thoughts cannot exist if you are in the NOW.

Thoughts can exist, but instead of immersing in those thoughts, it is simply being aware that those thoughts exist, and being aware that you are being aware. This was a huge paradigm shift for me.

Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) – A New Beginning For Me

After reading John Kabat-Zinn’s book on Mindfulness For Beginners, my interest peaked on the subject of mindfulness-based stress reduction. It resonated with me, it was exactly what I wanted, without previously knowing what I wanted, specifically. After some research, I discovered the Palouse Mindfulness, an MBSR 8 weeks certificate course. The best part about this course…it’s FREE! This course was my first introduction to meditation. I have been meditating fairly consistently over the past month, however, it hasn’t been every day.

The Best Meditation App – Insight Timer (get it!)

This app was brought to my attention by one of my clients. It is an amazing app for meditating, whether you are a beginner or a seasoned veteran. With over 4000 meditations to choose from, guided and unguided, you will find meditations that resonate with you. The app builds a portfolio of statistics on your profile to help with your accountability and gives you great insight into many facets of your meditation practice. The best part…it`s FREE! Feel free to add me as a friend, search Rob Kish.

5 Main Reasons I Am Pursuing This Journey

  1. Enhance Emotional Intelligence
  2. Create Self-Fulfillment
  3. Manifest My Life Purpose
  4. Discover My Human And Spiritual Potential
  5. Create My Own Perspective On My Reality (without external influence)

I have developed a strong desire to seek my maximum human potential as the creator of my own destiny. I know, deep down inside, my intuition is telling me, that this is a big part of my journey, that I will not meet my potential without it. I WILL become the best of me, for myself, my wife, and all those I have chosen to be in my life!

+ More