how to validate someones feelings

How To Validate Someone’s Feelings (Without Agreeing)

Learning how to validate someone else’s feelings is one of the most important skills the majority were never taught. Emotional validation is imperative and foundational to a healthy emotional relationship with yourself and others. It’s also at the forefront of feeling worthy.

What Exactly is Emotional Validation?

When you emotionally validate yourself or another you’re accepting the internal experience. You may not understand the experience but you understand the experience is valid based on how you or they are thinking and feeling.

It’s important to note that all of our experiences are created by our unique history, thoughts, beliefs, perspectives, conditioning, and emotions. Why is this important to know? Because this is why we experience what we experience. It’s also why none of us share the exact same experience—it’s why we’re all inherently different.

At the end of the day, you may not see the world the way others do but you also don’t deny their experience, you validate it.

What is Emotional Invalidation?

As you might imagine, emotional invalidation looks the complete opposite of what you just read. You emotionally invalidate yourself or someone else when you deny the emotional experience being had. The message being sent is that you or they shouldn’t feel what’s being felt, it’s not normal.

Invalidation can come across as contradicting, undermining, belittling, minimizing, and judgmental. Think back to a time where you felt any other those while expressing your emotional experience to another and see if you can find why you felt invalidated.

Invalidation can also be seen as a form of gaslighting, making you or them look crazy for what’s being experienced. Why? Because the message being sent is that the experience isn’t justified and illogical.

Any time you try to escape or change your emotions because you’ve judged them as bad, negative, or unwanted—you’ve denied your own experience.

Emotional invalidation is a fast track to an unhealthy or broken relationship with yourself or another.

Why Emotional Validation Can Be Challenging

We Think to Validate is to Agree

This is a common misconception about what it means to validate. One of the simplest ways to change this misconception is to replace the word ‘agree’ with ‘accept’‘.

We’re accepting our own, or another’s, experience as it is, not agreeing with it.

How can we validate someone without agreeing?

You can express validation without agreement by telling someone you understand how they can feel or experience what they are based on what they’ve told you.

If you feel safe enough in their space you can communicate that just because you’ve expressed understanding and validation toward their experience doesn’t mean you agree with their beliefs or perspectives.

We’re Caught Up in Our Own Judgments

We Invalidate Our Own Experiences

If you have a habit of not validating your own feelings and experiences you will surely struggle to do so for another. Like most things, validation always begins with ourselves.

We Listen to Provide Solutions

In my experience, this is probably the most common reason we invalidate someone’s emotional experience, so long as our intent wasn’t malicious. We get so caught up in trying to come up with a solution that we don’t listen deeply.

Many times, our proposed solutions are unwarranted and not asked for yet we still deliver them.

The problem with solutions is that they don’t provide validation, non-judgmental listening and acceptance do.

Examples Of Validating Statements

It’s understandable you’d feel that way.

Yes, that makes sense. I can see why you say that.

I’m sorry you’re having a hard time with this.

It’s perfectly normal that you think that.

Can you tell me more about how you’re feeling?

I can see why you feel…

Examples of Invalidating Statements (Avoid at All Cost)

It’s not that big a deal.

I’m sorry you feel that way. (when it takes the place of an apology)

You could be dealing with far worse problems.

You’re better than that

Don’t stoop down to that level.

You’ll get over it/Get over it

That never happened/You never said that.

You need to calm down.

You’re being dramatic.

You aren’t making any sense.

You’ve upset them again by saying that.

If I were you…

What I usually do for this problem is…

You’ll be OK

Time heals all wounds

How to Validate Someone Who is Angry

Emotional Validation and Holding Space

Emotional validation has a lot of overlap with holding space. Holding space for another is imperative for them to feel safe with you emotionally.

What does it mean to hold space? You create a safe, non-judgmental environment that allows yourself and/or others to be authentic, expressing thoughts and emotions without hesitation or worry.

If you are unfamiliar with what holding space is you can learn how to hold space step-by-step here.

listeing

Insights on Listening

Develop your listening skills and become a deeper, more impactful listener with these short insights.

  • Many times, people just want your ear, not your voice. We are often so quick to want to give people our advice that we seldom truly listen. I used to think that my advice is what people always wanted, so I made sure I gave it to them. Upon deeper reflection and inquiry, I started to realize that this just wasn’t true. The roadblock with thinking that this is true is two fold; we get caught up with formulating our advice that we actually stop listening, and, feeling heard is what people want most of the time, wise advice is just a bonus. Deep listening, on its’ own has the ability to create a transformational experience within another, words aren’t a necessity for this to happen. Unfortunately, deep listening seems to be a rarity these days, let’s change that.

  • The next time someone confides in you, play a game with yourself. See if you can get through the conversation without giving advice. If this is something you typically don’t do, be prepared for some shocking results.

  • Want to wow someone? Listen, don’t judge, be understanding, be compassionate, and instead of giving advice; ask questions that point them back to their innate wisdom.

  • The pause in a conversation is not a time to jump in, it is a space created for conscious reflection and an opportunity for new thought to come through into expression. Are you allowing time for them to pause and reflect before jumping in? Guilty as charged. I used to be terrible at this, waiting for that momentary pause so I can jump in to express my opinion or give my advice. After learning the significance of the pause, and consciously using it as a space for reflection instead of an opportunity to jump in, I noticed the other person would generally relax into that space and speak on thoughts that I generally would have robbed them from by jumping in.

  • Understanding what someone is saying is incomplete if you don’t hear the meaning behind their words. Words in and of themselves have no meaning without context. If we attach our own meaning to their words instead of listening for their meaning, we haven’t heard them. Many of us hang on to words, I notice I tend to do this more often than I’d like. But words can mean so many different things. Listen for the words within the context they are being spoken and the emotional background they are given birth from. We are guaranteed to hear something different if we do.

  • A deep listener will explore beyond the obvious, and beyond understanding, to find meaning.

  • Fun Fact: We can listen at 400 words per minute yet only speak at 125-175 words per minute. Because of the gap between the rate at which we can listen and speak, it is inevitable that your mind will wander at times while listening to another. The difference maker is, how quickly you can catch your mind wandering and bring it back to the present moment.

  • When people are speaking, let them speak. If they appear to be struggling to find a word or put together their next thought, give them space. Don’t attempt to finish what you didn’t give them the chance to.
am i a good listener

4 Ways To Know If You’re A Good Listener

What are you listening to? What are you listening for? What are you not listening for? Have you created a story in your head? Are you listening for what you want to hear? Are you listening for what you don’t want to hear? What are you thinking about? You may think you’re truly listening, but are you REALLY?

Fun Fact: We can listen at 400 words per minute yet only speak at 125-175 words per minute

Keep this in mind as you read through as it has great significance for the rest of the article.

1. Are you allowing time for them to pause and reflect before jumping in?

Guilty as charged. I used to be terrible at this, waiting for that momentary pause so I can jump in to express my opinion.

After learning the significance of the pause, and consciously using it as a space for reflection instead of an opportunity to jump in, I noticed the other person would generally relax into that space and speak on thoughts that I would have robbed them from by jumping in.

From observing numerous conversations with others and of others, I would venture to say that this is the most common misunderstanding I witness in communication.

The pause is not a time to jump in, it is a space for conscious reflection and an opportunity for new thought to come through into expression.

2. Are you thinking about what you’re going to say next while the other person is still talking?

The other person is talking away and you are already trying to construct in your head what you would like to say next. While you’re doing this, you are not receiving ALL of the information. The entire time you’re creating your next sentence in your head you are not receiving the other person fully.

Because of the gap between the rate at which we can listen and speak, it is inevitable that your mind will wander at times while listening to another. The difference maker is, how quickly you can catch your mind wandering and bring it back to the present moment.

3. Do you finish peoples’ sentences?

I can’t think of many things that are more annoying than this, can you? I don’t know one single person who enjoys having other people finish their sentences. For whatever reason, many people seem to like to try and prove their artificial competency in mind-reading or superiority.

I know for me when I used to finish people’s sentences I felt more superior in my competence which is what attracted me to do it. I now know that this kills communication and my so-called superiority along with it.

When people are speaking, let them speak! If they appear to be struggling to find a word or put together their next thought, give them space. The worst thing you can do in that situation is to try and attempt to finish what you didn’t give them the chance to.

4. Do you listen beyond the words they speak, to what is unsaid?

This was a tough one for me to grasp at first as I hardly understood what it even meant. I see the same difficulty in others when they hear of it.

Yes, listening for the tone of voice, and watching for body language, are of high importance but I will be speaking on what is beyond even that.

What is beyond the words? Meaning. Meaning goes beyond the obvious, beyond understanding.

Understanding what someone is saying is incomplete if you don’t hear the meaning behind what they are saying.

For example, you can understand when someone tells you they are thinking about filing for a divorce because their spouse cheated on them. You understand their situation, it makes sense, whether you agree with them or not. Now, what is the meaning of what they just told you?

One simple example of a meaning to explore would be: It is obvious they feel betrayed by the evidence of the thought regarding filing for a divorce. However, they have NOT filed for a divorce, it is still only a thought, why? What is the meaning behind this?

This is worth further exploration, and they will be grateful you heard beyond the words they spoke. You can now explore what was unsaid.

Nearly all conversations are not quite this simple as they are many stories and links to be explored and connected. Just remember:

A good listener will explore beyond the obvious, and beyond understanding, to find meaning.

It is also common for people to not say what they mean out of fear, or incomplete thought processing. Someone who listens beyond words will recognize this and ask them to clarify what they meanwhile giving them space.

Can you see now how meaning goes much deeper than understanding?

Are you as good of a listener as you thought you were?

This was a difficult understanding for me to convey so I hope it did the trick.

Learn from all of your experiences, opportunities are everywhere.

Take care,

Rob Kish